The Unavailable Man

The unavailable man is not only unavailable to you, but he is also unavailable to himself… Unavailability can be super evident or it can hide in the shadows. Your partner (mirror and extension of usually the father figure or archetype) will keep coming back into your life as a man that is emotionally unavailable, physically distant, a perpetual long-distance relationship, not prioritizing you, and much more.

You are essentially attempting to heal the unavailability experienced with your father by mimicking/recreating similar events archetypically and relationally in order to have a “do-over” and be different. The issue is the patterns keep playing out the same due to fear and a lack of awareness. The unavailable man yearns for closeness but can’t commit himself to go there for he is blocked by fear.

The unavailable man is disconnected from his heart. He has more than likely been through emotionally traumatic childhood events, has been taught and conditioned to hide his heart and not emote, or has experienced violence. Expressing emotions feels dangerous and disempowering. Does this excuse him? No. AND, it gives you an opportunity to look at your patterns of attracting this kind of man and ask “What do I truly deserve?”

When a man’s heart is closed and armored up he will struggle to give his love freely. He will more than likely want to take as that feels safe. Relationships are based on his way, his rules and he wants to feel your heart but cannot, because feeling is numbed, so is his ability to receive (and so may yours – mirror effect and romantic relationships are great mirrors). Receiving freely means he deserves and is worthy and this is a muscle he hasn’t learned to flex yet.

Tough on the outside, he cannot handle the tough conversations. The physical challenge, war, overcoming difficulty, and outwardly directed conquering is easy. But communicating from the heart, showing pain, feeling fear, and shedding a tear when appropriate is not only foreign but terrifying for the unavailable man. He lives in his shadows and hides behind his successes or even in his mystery. This may be appealing at the beginning but it wears thin.

Often what continues to unravel in our exterior lives is a reflection of what is playing out in our interior world… The unresolved wounds, the shadows that guide us, the unaddressed fears, the unconscious trauma, and the pain we harbor. So what can you do to support yourself if you are attracting unavailable men? 

Supporting yourself to heal and transform if you are attracting unavailable men?

• Seek perspective and support
• Redefine your dating parameters (geography and values)
• See yourself as worthy and deserving of love
• Practice kindness and compassion for yourself 
• Do something nice for yourself daily 
• Stop settling in all areas of your life
• Practice saying healthy no’s out loud 
• Practice receiving more yourself 
• Set healthy boundaries 
• Learn your triggers and shadows and nurture them with play, attention, and love

Remember to also support those you love. Meet them with non-judgment and compassion. Many times we are triggered and go into reaction. Breaking these patterns means we free ourselves from the repetition of the same experiences. If you care for your man and you see REAL potential. Meet him with love and truth. 

I was unavailable as a man because I feared being seen, I was scared I would be judged because I experienced this as a child. I didn’t heal it and it was driving who I was, yet I yearned for closeness and connection – we all do. My father was absent and I longed for his love. I made it mean that his absence was me not being enough. I spent all of my life unconsciously attempting to gain that validation.

I said all of the right things, made it easy for women to care for me, yet couldn’t commit fully and lean all of the way in. This intense fear leaked out in passive-aggressiveness, looking for “love” in other places, sex compulsion, projecting my pain on to my partners, and disregarding their needs and making it more about me.

I was stuck in a hyper-selfish cycle because the trauma of not being nurtured as a child stayed with me and I projected that on every relationship, subconsciously thinking it would happen again, hoping it wouldn’t, yet doing nothing different to change that.

My heart was closed and a glazed look would come over me whenever I got to close or someone got too close to me. It created distance and then tension. This then leads to a loop of friction, arguments, and more doubt, shutting me down further and pushing on their wounds also. We were on a merry-go-round that wouldn’t stop and that we couldn’t get off.

Opening my heart was scary and that meant owning my behavior and owning my actions. Owning my pain and exploring my shadows fully. You can too and if you are attracting unavailability in your life, ask yourself what it is you truly deserve and what old stories you are ready to release in order to live that life of wholeness and worthiness…

One is glad to be of service.

STEFANOS SIFANDOS

Relational Alchemist, Speaker & Author