I REALIZED THAT I WAS LIVING A LIE

It wasn’t too long ago that I was confronted with the reality that I wasn’t who I was portraying myself to be. It was a dark, painful moment the day I was ‘discovered’ for living a facade. A life of bullshit. A life of pretence and pretend.

All my fears come rushing through me all at once. I felt paralysed and at the same time needed to survive.

I felt my adrenaline rush through me. Stress hormones flow like someone had turned on the fire hydrant. I felt sick in my stomach. How could my life come to this? Is this truly who I am, who I have been, where I am going? In seconds, I felt I was experiencing years of torture, pain, suffering and exhaustion.

I REALIZED THAT I WAS LIVING A LIE

It wasn’t too long ago that I was confronted with the reality that I wasn’t who I was portraying myself to be. It was a dark, painful moment the day I was ‘discovered’ for living a facade. A life of bullshit. A life of pretence and pretend.

All my fears come rushing through me all at once. I felt paralysed and at the same time needed to survive.

I felt my adrenaline rush through me. Stress hormones flow like someone had turned on the fire hydrant. I felt sick in my stomach. How could my life come to this? Is this truly who I am, who I have been, where I am going? In seconds, I felt I was experiencing years of torture, pain, suffering and exhaustion.

I DIDN’T KNOW WHAT IT MEANT TO REALLY BE A ‘MAN’

As men, we are often given a blueprint of the world, relationships and life that is hyper-selfish, not conducive to the wellbeing of others and emotionally disconnected and void of feeling.

This in part was me. Like many men, I largely had an unhealthy example of healthy masculinity and consciously and unconsciously I chose to carry that in to my adult life, relationships, mindset, peer groups and interactions.

For so much of my life, I sought external validation from my father. The old father wounding, can any of you resonate? I wanted to make my father proud! No matter what I did, I could not. It was an endless bottomless pit. I suffered for it. I threw everything in to being successful. So many of us are driven by the unconscious need to impress others. To feel our sense of self-worth come from how others perceive us and feel about us. Successful? Yes! Content? No. I was never happy. My accolades and achievements felt empty most of the time, only for a brief moment did I feel full, it was fleeting and I was disappointed again… Until I became aware of this, I was run by it. When I released the need to make him or anyone else happy, my life changed and I’ll tell you more about that soon.

It was really time to shift, to change and to completely redefine myself, but as a man, how? How do I ‘DO’ this, how do I embody something completely different to what I have known to be so true? I had been dishonest with myself, with my friends, with the women I had claimed to love. I had such a desire to give and be fully expressed in the world, yet was so embarrassed of who I truly was. I lived in shadows, repressed pain and lied about my needs and who I was being.

I DIDN’T KNOW WHAT IT MEANT TO REALLY BE A ‘MAN’

As men, we are often given a blueprint of the world, relationships and life that is hyper-selfish, not conducive to the wellbeing of others and emotionally disconnected and void of feeling.

This in part was me. Like many men, I largely had an unhealthy example of healthy masculinity and consciously and unconsciously I chose to carry that in to my adult life, relationships, mindset, peer groups and interactions.

For so much of my life, I sought external validation from my father. The old father wounding, can any of you resonate? I wanted to make my father proud! No matter what I did, I could not. It was an endless bottomless pit. I suffered for it. I threw everything in to being successful. So many of us are driven by the unconscious need to impress others. To feel our sense of self-worth come from how others perceive us and feel about us. Successful? Yes! Content? No. I was never happy. My accolades and achievements felt empty most of the time, only for a brief moment did I feel full, it was fleeting and I was disappointed again… Until I became aware of this, I was run by it. When I released the need to make him or anyone else happy, my life changed and I’ll tell you more about that soon.

It was really time to shift, to change and to completely redefine myself, but as a man, how? How do I ‘DO’ this, how do I embody something completely different to what I have known to be so true? I had been dishonest with myself, with my friends, with the women I had claimed to love. I had such a desire to give and be fully expressed in the world, yet was so embarrassed of who I truly was. I lived in shadows, repressed pain and lied about my needs and who I was being.

IT ALL STARTED WHEN I WAS YOUNG

I was one of those guys that was very blessed to be surrounded by amazing people. I had and continued to study the mystic arts, the mind, relationships, philosophy, the nature of reality and more. As introverted as I was, I ensured I surrounded myself with loyal, true and supportive friends.

I had the experience of being in relationship with amazing beautiful women and yet I felt empty, constricted and like I wanted and needed more.

Whilst some of my peers were deeply supportive, they were also justifying and supporting my behaviour, which I normalised as I was none the wiser. This was all about to change.

Nothing in life and no experience was ever enough. I was hiding deep pain. Pain and internal isolation from my childhood. Repressed memories and circumstances – violence, emotional abuse, segregation, oppression and volatility. And for this I needed to feel free and safe as an adult and the only way to feel free and safe was through variety. In a continual state of searching. Emotionally distancing myself anytime I really got close, just in case that unconscious hurt returned. The deepest parts of me yearned for intimate connection, yet when I got too close, my body would freak the fuck out! Instead of avoidant behaviour such as alcoholism, drugs or workaholism I turned to infidelity.

It got me high and more importantly, it got me relief and reprieve. My ego was definitely satisfied and again, more importantly I felt the freedom I was tenaciously pursuing. But why? Why was I so scared, why was I so fearful? Why when I got intimately close to my partner or woman I would freak out?

IT ALL STARTED WHEN I WAS YOUNG

I was one of those guys that was very blessed to be surrounded by amazing people. I had and continued to study the mystic arts, the mind, relationships, philosophy, the nature of reality and more. As introverted as I was, I ensured I surrounded myself with loyal, true and supportive friends.

I had the experience of being in relationship with amazing beautiful women and yet I felt empty, constricted and like I wanted and needed more.

Whilst some of my peers were deeply supportive, they were also justifying and supporting my behaviour, which I normalised as I was none the wiser. This was all about to change.

Nothing in life and no experience was ever enough. I was hiding deep pain. Pain and internal isolation from my childhood. Repressed memories and circumstances – violence, emotional abuse, segregation, oppression and volatility. And for this I needed to feel free and safe as an adult and the only way to feel free and safe was through variety. In a continual state of searching. Emotionally distancing myself anytime I really got close, just in case that unconscious hurt returned. The deepest parts of me yearned for intimate connection, yet when I got too close, my body would freak the fuck out! Instead of avoidant behaviour such as alcoholism, drugs or workaholism I turned to infidelity.

It got me high and more importantly, it got me relief and reprieve. My ego was definitely satisfied and again, more importantly I felt the freedom I was tenaciously pursuing. But why? Why was I so scared, why was I so fearful? Why when I got intimately close to my partner or woman I would freak out?

YES. I WAS CRIPPLED BY FEAR.

The simplicity of it was I had deep unresolved issues from my childhood. Pain, fear and trauma I had suppressed that was unconsciously driving my behavior and actions.

That day, years ago where my life unraveled where I was discovered for being a serial ‘cheater’ was the day I had two choices…

1. Remain ignorant, stay on this painful and blinding path or;
2. Completely shift my life, get real and change some shit!

Thankfully, I chose the latter. Fast forward to today. I have learned deeply, gained abundantly, understood expansively, developed immensely and am still learning intensely.

I am greater peace with who I am. I have explored my shadow at great depth, spent time in deep solitude, I have healed past fears, pains and trauma, I have delved deep in to the chasms of my own mystery, I have released great guilt and shame, I have experienced multiple ego deaths, have risen from many awakenings and have chosen to love fully.

 

YES. I WAS CRIPPLED BY FEAR.

The simplicity of it was I had deep unresolved issues from my childhood. Pain, fear and trauma I had suppressed that was unconsciously driving my behavior and actions.

That day, years ago where my life unraveled where I was discovered for being a serial ‘cheater’ was the day I had two choices…

1. Remain ignorant, stay on this painful and blinding path or;
2. Completely shift my life, get real and change some shit!

Thankfully, I chose the latter. Fast forward to today. I have learned deeply, gained abundantly, understood expansively, developed immensely and am still learning intensely.

I am greater peace with who I am. I have explored my shadow at great depth, spent time in deep solitude, I have healed past fears, pains and trauma, I have delved deep in to the chasms of my own mystery, I have released great guilt and shame, I have experienced multiple ego deaths, have risen from many awakenings and have chosen to love fully.

 

EMBRACING A PATH OF SERVICE

Through my own personal experiences, learning from many masters along the way, deeply examining my own masculinity and social constructs of what it means to be a man in contemporary times, I set myself on a quest to free the hearts of men by beginning with expanding my own.

To give to women, to Earth and to humanity what they deserve – connected, grounded, open hearted, open minded warriors with the inner strength of an army, the compassion of the divine and the intelligent discernment to know who to be, how to be and when to be.

I have and continue to create many models and systems in how to relate to each other, how to optimise our humanity, how to live from a place of healthy masculinity and most importantly through dedication, willingness, awareness and involvement I choose to embody these postures every day.

When we choose to ‘involve’ ourselves in anything we commit to, we grow profoundly. We expand in sense and in consciousness. We develop an acuity for the truth of who we are, importantly we cultivate a deeper sense of self – a multilayered and multifaceted intelligence that penetrates the darkest of places.

EMBRACING A PATH OF SERVICE

Through my own personal experiences, learning from many masters along the way, deeply examining my own masculinity and social constructs of what it means to be a man in contemporary times, I set myself on a quest to free the hearts of men by beginning with expanding my own.

To give to women, to Earth and to humanity what they deserve – connected, grounded, open hearted, open minded warriors with the inner strength of an army, the compassion of the divine and the intelligent discernment to know who to be, how to be and when to be.

I have and continue to create many models and systems in how to relate to each other, how to optimise our humanity, how to live from a place of healthy masculinity and most importantly through dedication, willingness, awareness and involvement I choose to embody these postures every day.

When we choose to ‘involve’ ourselves in anything we commit to, we grow profoundly. We expand in sense and in consciousness. We develop an acuity for the truth of who we are, importantly we cultivate a deeper sense of self – a multilayered and multifaceted intelligence that penetrates the darkest of places.