The vulnerability and “owning my shadow” card can be fickle. We pretend to be vulnerable and truthful by showing and owning our shadows openly or expressing one of MANY that we have. More often than not though, this is a deflection of what’s really ailing us at a deeper level that we fear intensely, so we unconsciously pretend to be courageous about this more minor pain/shadow, in order to avoid dealing with the greater beast that resides within… 

How do I know and feel this? Well, I am so glad you asked… And I’ll gladly share. I was scrolling through the treacherous and dangerous waters of Instagram not too long ago and saw a post by a fellow “competitor”. SIDE NOTE: That comparison trap is a fucking death wish to our self-esteem.

No one is your competition per se. Run your own race… What the actual fuck are we comparing to anyway? In fact in my weekly email this week, I delve into comparison deeply. You should join my email list, you may like it! Food for thought…

And I know, I know, easier said than done when it comes to comparison and I still struggle with that too at times. Anyway, back to our shadows. I saw him sharing “vulnerably” about something personal, had many comments and interactions and I noticed myself judging him, internally calling him out, not believing and not trusting his words…

Now, I am intuitive to this and also recognized that I was being non-compassionate and highly judgmental. What we judge in others we are not owning in ourselves, so I had to really pause. Correction, I chose to pause and reflect.

I know this guy a little more than most, I knew he had more shadows that he wasn’t dealing with and so what?! Why was I so triggered? BOOM! It hit me like Clubber Lang hitting Rocky in Rocky III…

I was him. I was hiding behind my shadows with shadows. Like inception, instead of a dream within a dream within a dream, it was more like shadows within shadows within shadows…

This was big for me. Now whether he was doing this consciously or unconsciously or not was not relevant. This experience was a catalyst for me to own something deeper within myself. I have also played that game… And yes, its more unconscious and less obvious than we think.

It is a protective strategy to ensure our hearts remain safe. Can you relate? Have you done this before? Another example from my past is when I was cheating, if I were to fess up more after being caught I would be active in sharing information but never the full story. If they thought I was active in telling this truth then they would not probe further. It minimized the impact.

Yes, this was manipulative. What I realized is that it was coming from a place of deep fear, not malice towards the other. So, where to from here? Are you confused? I was. Who can you trust? Trust your body. Your body knows. As I moved into greater integrity, people could feel that, and remember, the process of unraveling self takes time. Surround yourself with people that truly see you. Work on your self-worth, trust your actions, heal your past wounds around acceptance, and place one foot in front of the other. We are all on this growth journey together.

One is glad to be of service.

STEFANOS SIFANDOS

Relational Alchemist, Speaker & Author