To Feel Without Judgment
How do we feel? When feeling becomes so painful, so raw, so intense, so deep, how do we surrender or be present to these feelings?
How do we allow ourselves to feel fully, when the pain of feeling is at times overbearing, overwhelming, disempowering almost and perhaps perceived to be never ending?
Is the pain of feeling deeply truly disempowering or perhaps is it so real, so raw and so present that it is completely empowering? Perhaps what empowers us most needs to challenge us most. What challenges us, grows us…
I have been sitting with immense pain, the feeling of fear, separation, isolation, not belonging and perceived loss arising to the surface of consciousness the last couple of days. To feel this pain is to be real, to feel too much (if there is such a thing) is overwhelming and intense.
So, I sit (figuratively and actually) in stillness with the feelings. I lean in and towards these feelings. What do they mean? Life’s events allow us to be present to their meaning, symbols and greater teaching’s.
Only when we can be present and / or surrender to what is occurring can we gain wisdom, context, reference and understanding.
I have been sitting with these profoundly confronting feelings – stimulating ‘old stuff’, triggering past and present pain. What to do with this pain? What to do with these feelings?
Shall I/we pursue or shall we simply embody, be with and do what we can with what we have, without attachment to a favoured outcome?
Perhaps the most favoured outcome is to be still with what is being felt and give context to the substance of these feelings through deliberate movement?
Movement, breath, sound… Expressive faculties that can be leveraged upon when needed in order to shift, gain and feel like we are not losing – tears, people, love, sanity. I/we think we have surpassed certain lessons, perhaps, not so much so as our ego believes.
My ego self shattered. Broken in order to be rebuilt with a new relationship to the world, stuff, life, others. Feelings of loneliness, unworthiness, fear, rejection, abandonment, ‘not enough’ stir in a cauldron of intense emotion waiting to be felt, connected to and moved with and through – the body knows… The only way is with, the only way is through.
So, we feel. We become present to what is. Knowing it will ‘end’. It always does, it has to. Life is temporal. But we do not hold this thought in the present moment, but rather we maintain a sense of present non-attachment.
That word again – presence. Yet, secretly the ego nudging, overpowering and hoping for something to end, for the pain to soften and disperse…
Doubtful and why would it.. It shall only disperse, break up and shift once we have acquainted ourselves long enough with the potency of its message.
So, once again I sit, still, moving only when context and release beckons and screams. When I cannot delve any deeper for the interim, when breath is required for the pain is overbearing and suffocation is eminent.
I watch the tears trickle, feeling the wetness of their texture stream down my face. What do they represent?
Is it a release of some form, a meaning? Does each tear carry its own super power? Something to direct me towards a place of reckoning and realization? One’s own inner ‘Shangri-La’?
I am not certain, but I feel them and there is some reprieve in release. I relate wholly, presently and in a connected manner. Not scared of these tears but present to them. Owning them, honouring their place.
Now back to breath… Then I enact all of my knowledge, wisdom and skills, experiences and trust of self and swim, I swim towards the surface, I swim as fast as my body will allow (too fast and I miss the lessons, the wisdom, too fast and my focus becomes on the outcome not the moment) lungs on fire, wishing to breathe, but still having to hold to the ‘nth degree’.
But what and how does this serve? It serves immensely. It grants us perspective, intimate knowledge and connection in to our truth.
The core of that pain being the core of our truth. We all wish to know the truth. What is it that they say… “The truth shall set us free…” So, I continue to sit, to be, to feel, to experience. The pain softens, the sadness somewhat dissipates…
The realisation… Well, these are in multiples, but what dominates this inner monologue is: “remain with the sadness a little longer – 8 seconds at a time”. This feels liberating, less encumber some and perhaps possible. Yet, the pain of feeling is still prominent…
Ah, there it is… Being comfortable with the pain provides us context to what we feel. Thank you, I feel it, I allow, I am more present, less distracted and more willing.
Yes, the pain of feeling, the sadness of delving deep, deeper than a Culiver-beaked whale is still overwhelming. But it has clicked.
This is necessary. And as I grow, we grow, as you grow, I grow… We relate differently and in a way that is whole. I am coming in to wholeness by feeling. It requires committed courage to face fears through tears. We all have carry this power.
And here it is… To become acquainted one must be present to what is. To own the internal and bathe in the eternal. Fear, pain, suffering – it is all contextual. It is an integral part of our existence. This is the beauty of life. How we dance with it shapes us and how we allow ourselves to grow with this defines us.
I am feeling. I am honoured to feel and to stand in feeling… Empowered, in fear, yet courageous. Love shall set me, you, us free…
One is always glad to be of service.