It’s not always about ejaculation.

Experiencing sexual trauma can place us in a position where we are mistrusting, feel hurt, hold back and are shy and reluctant to open our hearts. This trauma shuts us out and down, yet at the same time, we have a yearning to be seen, to experience closeness and intimacy. This happens to both men and women and both the masculine and feminine.

Certain areas of our brain become confused with fear and pleasure. And we move in this endless pursuit of attempting to heal wounded parts of our past and psyche, whilst simultaneously being fearful of going there and experiencing love, connection and pleasure.

There are times when we lack conscious awareness around the sexual trauma experienced and we feel uncomfortable in our skin, being seen naked or being openly vulnerable in body and heart. As lovers/partners it becomes imperative we are able to see beyond our own needs at times and be more sensitive to the needs of those that are learning to come back into their bodies.

Sexual expression, sex and emotional intimacy can be a powerful and beautiful healing modality for us and a growth experience for all involved. We get to rewrite our traumatic stories and create new and empowered experiences with people we are deeply connected to, feel safe with and are fond of.

As mature and aware partners we get to ask our sexual partners what their needs are, we get to our express our needs, our yes’s and our no’s. We get to explore and go deeper with each other in transparent ways. Sometimes we witness our partners experiencing uncomfortable tension during sex and we are not sure what to do.

As aware partners, we get to slow it down, take an intermission, ask questions. It’s not always about “finishing”, orgasm or ejaculation. Sometimes it’s getting to know about the nuances of each other at deeper levels. We get to hold emotional space during sexual vulnerability.

We so often want to go hard and achieve a particular result. There are times when this is epic and there are times when we need something else. What are you committed to during sex? What type of sexual intimacy are you wanting? 

One is glad to be of service.

STEFANOS SIFANDOS

Relational Alchemist, Speaker & Author