Doing The Inner Work

Firstly, this isn’t a gender thing. It’s a people thing. We are often really scared of change.

This is often a tough one in relationships. We want people to change with us, to do what we do, try what we try, feel what we feel and share similar interests.

At a primal level, it is our nervous system feeling safe in the presence of familiarity. Additionally, when we share similar paths, values and interests we are all part of the “in-group”. In social psychology, this is crucial to one’s feeling of being safe and surviving.

Imagine for a moment being alive 500,000 years ago being out in the wild. If you did something “wrong” you would be kicked out of the safety of the tribe. You would be an “out”cast, on your own in the “out-group”. This would mean certain death. It’s also why so many are terrified of public speaking. YOU vs. the many. If you say something wrong in that open forum you’re OUT!

There is something very primal about wanting others to see us and agree with us and similarly, we don’t want others to change. Imagine for a moment you were able to step into a deep compassion for your partner…

Assume your own this tremendous growth journey – yoga, Tony Robbins, meditations, immersive retreats, Byron Katie, breath practices, inner child healing, trauma therapy, juice cleansing – you know all the things.

And you really want your partner to get on board, but they are resistant… do your best to SEE (feel also) beyond the surface. Perhaps they were exposed to rapid change as a child (volatility, parents leaving suddenly, violence, etc) and change signifies turbulence, being left behind, isolation, loneliness and pain.

They then may have an aversion to change and new and novel things. Be patient. Live your life according to your values. Inspire through action, get clear on your non-negotiable, be gentle and know that you MAY have to have a difficult conversation but before that come from love, understanding and a willingness to focus healthily on you.

There is more to it than this and this may help you connect deeper to your truth and your partner’s

One is glad to be of service.


Relational Alchemist, Speaker & Author


Relational Alchemist, Speaker & Author



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