I spent many years not having a very healthy relationship to sexuality – the act itself, my sexual projections and my sexual essence. I used sex as a means to validate my worthiness and how I viewed myself. The truth is I manipulated the art of sexuality to attempt to fill a void that was not fillable.

This was the case because I was living from fear and using sexuality, external desirability and the quantity of sex as a measuring tool for self-worry. Yes, it was about hedonistic self-gratifying pleasure and it was also a scream for intimacy and connection.

I yearned to be seen and was pursuing it in environments that were not conducive to my psyche and health. I was literally beckoning my fears fourth by running from my truth and acting from scarcity and ignorance. Men lie about sex. Firstly, to ourselves and then to our core peer groups and lovers.

When it comes to sex it’s often much more than just the act itself that we are yearning for. AND, the act is epic! And as men in today’s world we feel we can’t own that like we once used to. What we need to do is own it from a place of empowerment and clear mindedness.

Here are some competing myths that need to be dispelled…

1…Sex is not connected to the heart. It is and we struggle to integrate the two.

2…We only want to have sex with someone we “love”. Not true at all and stigma prevents us from desiring sex from those we do not “love” in a way that is compassionate, collaborative and considerate.

3…Sex is separate to everything else we do. It’s not. Sex has been forged from the mood of performance and conquest. With this mentality we continue to be disconnected from the needs of others and our own layered needs.

4…All men want is hardcore physical sex. Not true. Men also desire connection, intimacy and to be seen and truly appreciated through sexuality and through their being in the world. We perceive intimacy indirectly due to conditioning. We have also been conditioned to redirect or repress certain needs. Intimacy is one of them.

5…Men don’t bring emotion in to sex. We do, it’s simply repressed most of the time and we struggle to understand the emotions thy come forth during sexual Union, so we ignore them and further isolate and repress. Men have Ben trained to be warriors and workers. To deliver on their objectives. What can we expect from a gender that has been focusing on outcomes. Sex provides this outlet for deeper emotional needs.

6…All that matters to men is the quantity of sexual experiences. Yes! But only because it’s masked with false bravado. This pursuit of quantity is not for the sake of ego and quantity itself. Underlying this is a deep yearning to experience the sublime and the profane. That eludes is because our “come from” us distorted and driven by fear and pain. In terms of initiatory practices, quantity represents our warrior nature and proves our potency. Our next initiation in to sexuality is to be that ‘sexual worker’, to perform and to produce the result of satisfying our lover.

There are many more of course. Masculinity is a doing energy, it wishes to achieve and experience finality in its pursuit. This transfers to sex also. When the feminine understands that this permeates our unconscious psyches and men realize there are other ways we can also be, we harmonize the polarity of this merging.

Sexuality is complex because it is either largely repressed or exaggerated in our society. Coming together to heal this collective wounding is core to deepening our erotic, sensual and cosmic experiences.

One is glad to be of service.

STEFANOS SIFANDOS

Relational Alchemist, Speaker & Author