Home in Retrospect

It has been really difficult being back here “home”… What is home? It has changed for me so much. The last few years have been turbulent, revealing, painful, healing and empowering. Being back in this place has disorientated me in many ways.

Yes, it has been nurturing to my soul, my dear friends, blessed life long connections, family and loved ones, yet I feel displaced. Have you ever been somewhere that felt so familiar, yet you feel you didn’t belong anymore? I am here.

So much “stuff” coming up. I am observing the nuances play out in real-time. I am feeling the pain of reliving aspects of my past that I no longer align with. I see myself being my father and embodying his dense and judgmental traits.

I see and feel myself being numb to compassion, judgemental to difference, lacking empathy, being mean in my attitude and negative in my outlook. I have been occupying a space that is unwilling. I have been out of integrity and I have felt disconnected from my beloved. Projecting upon her and not feeling, holding, or truly seeing her. I have been inconsistent and unsafe as I am riding this roller coaster.

I have been obsessed with my pain and have chosen not to budge it, as I have allowed my environment to slipstream me back into older versions of self. Lessons and deep teachings I am now unpacking and open to moving through. Layers that are revealing themselves.

“But I have done this work, why more?,” My ego asks… “Because the work before this has now gently opened the door to this new and profound layer of depth”. Responds to my soul. Reluctantly I step into the truth and own who I am being. Disconnect, short, even aggressive in my tones, impatient, non-compassionate and ill-understanding.

The situations presented to me are giving me an opportunity to break generational patterns, to be free of what no longer serves me and to not repeat cycles of unhealthy intimacy. I am answering this call. I have been in fear and stubborn, however, I am here now. I do not hate my past. I revere it. I am grateful, yet in the moments of pain, I have been distant. No more. I choose grace and I choose to move into all of it.

Where in your life have you been hesitant, resistant and in pain? It is time to break free. Join me. Together, with awareness + intended and sincere action we can change our pasts and honour our present.

One is glad to be of service.

STEFANOS SIFANDOS

Relational Alchemist, Speaker & Author