We become so fucking excited when we move in to a relationship. Our hormones go wild, any form of intelligence gets thrown out with the trash. We become primal, we go deep in to our physiology.

Of course there are times when there is a ‘soul recognition’, a ‘past-life’ connection and then it becomes more spiritual. As this phenomenological experience is rising, for many this form of deepened awareness in intimate relationship eludes us.

This is a story of respect, a story around what do we do, when the hormonal rush dissipates and the all that is left is the rawness and truth of who we really are…?

This is not about monogamy or non-monogamy. This is about how to treat each other, what ever your sexual constitution and relationship style preference is. There are many steps to take in order to experience ‘success’ in relationships. Below are 5. Do these 5 things in relationship and you will grow, live fulfilling and rich life full of meaning and alignment.

1… Know YOURSELF! Know what you want, know who you are, what you want to be. Your sexual preferences, your ideals, ideas, values, erotic styles, sexual desires and needs. Know and own your past, embrace the now and identify who you wish to be in the future. This also means DEAL with yours shit and your pain. Explore it, identify it and make it conscious. Process it and move through it so that you don’t project violently and unconsciously.

2… Speak YOUR truth and speak it LOUDLY. Let the other/s know who you are and what you want. Do not assume, do not mis-speak. Be what you say, say what you wish to do. Own your actions through your words.

3… Regularly and continuously COMMUNICATE who you are. Ask questions of your beloved, let them know what your thoughts are, what you are feeling. Acknowledge them, let them know how you feel about them, express gratitude and appreciation. Communicate with manners and awareness and don’t hide from pain, trauma, difficult conversations or fear itself.

4… Do NOT be HYPER-selfish – do NOT be HYPER-selfless. Our societal constructs today advocate for more of a hyper-selfish paradigm, where our needs are consistently placed above others at any cost. Depending on your past wounding and pain points, you will generally fall in to one category or the other.

This affects deeply how you relate, your love style, what you believe to be true about yourself, the world and others and your intrinsic level of self-worth. Being somewhere in the middle of this is healthy. Caring enough about your needs to communicate them equitably and compassionately, whilst also being MINDFUL to the needs of others allows our relationships to flourish.

5… Be PRESENCE itself. In this context, this holds the container of 3 elements: Consistency – Awareness – Kindness. We are consistent in our behaviour and how we show up. This demonstrates safety in our presence. We are aware of others. We give space when we need to and take ours when we require it.

We carry kindness in our gesture, compassion in our posture and empathy in the way we relate and connect with others. Not because we are appeasing others, because we realise that relationships require effort.

Your choice of relationship style is your own. Choose from a place of knowledge and awareness, not ignorance and of following the status quo of society or your immediate primary peer group. Be you, choose to honour you and then project that same honouring practice in to the world and your relationships.

One is glad to be of service. 

STEFANOS SIFANDOS

Relational Alchemist, Speaker & Author