Are You Too Obsessed With Self-Love?

We needn’t be perfection in order to have a healthy relationship because at our core we are already perfection, we have forgotten this. We needn’t be FULLY healed of all of our past trauma to be in a healthy relationship. We need to be WILLING, clear, communicative and open-hearted.

We need to love ourselves ENOUGH to feel SAFE enough to allow others in to assist us on our journey as we can then assist them. We must be WILLING to grow and heal in unity. We are relational beings. We learn with and from each other

People often tell me how they must reach some point of magic (I too have been this person), before they can be deemed worthy to be alive, experience love, abundance or joy. “When I love myself enough then…”

This may carry some relevance but what is truly occurring is that fear is stunting our ability to connect openly, vulnerably and truthfully. We are basing these statements on our fears of being inadequate and broken. So then we jump on this massive self-love journey and in doing so obsessively, we disconnect from the world at any cost. We block our potential for growth and become hyper self-absorbed. Are we truly broken?

We often think that if we love ourselves FULLY, then we will not be needy, and we won’t hurt or be let down. These are protective mechanisms. We will shut valuable people out that have the potential to shine light where it is dark within us. This mentality is the ego running away from growth and living in conditioned fear.

YOU can have a safe, nurturing, supportive and loving relationship with others and not be in a space of fully loving self. We are impermanent and we flux in our expression. Are you on that journey? Are you along the way? Are you aware of this? Then you are worthy… we carry shame and guilt for not seeing ourselves as enough – I too have been and sometimes still am this person. 

One of the most effective ways being of this world and culture (not ‘escaping’ to the high mountains in solitude) to heal ourselves, accelerate and expand our lives is through intimate relationship. By allowing others IN even if you are in pain, feeling insecure, fearful, needy, angry or withdrawn.

This can be particularly difficult for men, but if you open to the genuine love that awaits, you will be liberated if you choose to be and continue to put in the EFFORT.

How to do and be this?

By being clear from the beginning with anyone you are with. Set a clear communicative intention that you are committed to grow and heal together, to be there for each other, be supportive, set healthy boundaries, not enable each other’s fears, to be seen cleanly and not judged and be in presence and enduring love – this is freedom. And remember, it’s not about only romantic partnership. It’s about how you relate to the world in general.

When we hold on to unhealthy and extreme patterns of the past, we suffer and the relationships breakdown. IF, we are UNWILLING to attend to these restricted beliefs, conditioned and co-dependent patterns and behaviors we suffer. 

When we control our lives rigidly from fear, when we resist growth, when we unconsciously project without forgiveness and awareness and when we lack remorse – the relationship breaks down.

Tension occurs because people are unable to shift due to fear and they are not honouring their growth. When we become conscious of this and are open to communicating this in a reciprocated manner the relationship has an opportunity to flourish and we can practice authentic self-love in real time.

The navigation of this becomes empowering instead of disempowering. Try this language with your beloved or someone close to you:

“I have pain points, I carry shame, guilt, insecurity, fear, pains and certain needs that I would love help with shifting. I wish to heal me and grow together and serve you also. Can we guide each other and hold each other in trust and truth”?

When Christine and I began our journey together, we opened up our fears and patterns (that we were aware of and made room for those that we perhaps did not know intimately), we held growth as a primary driver of and for our relationship and we wanted to be there for each other, for ourselves and for the relationship.

We had both done a deeper inner work as individuals and finding each other now allowed us to go in to deeper layers of self and each other. Yet, we knew the road may be tough but we were holding our unified purpose of togetherness as a mutual focus during times of challenge and distress (cusp of transformation).

Because we committed to this at the beginning of our relationship, wounds, patterns and fears we were both conscious and unconscious of, it has been much smoother to navigate and then transmute.

When we embrace this (and at times it is tough), the more we actually experience freedom and we are growing massively because of it. There are times when we don’t feel free, but we know with clarity our higher purpose and that this restriction is only temporal. We both say things we don’t mean but we hold strong and this creates the space for self-love and far less negative self-talk.

Life needn’t be as hard as we make it. I spent so much of my life making life HARD, because its all I knew, its how I received and gave love, felt safe, wanted love and understood life. I commit to NO MORE of that unhealthy behaviour. Can you make the commitment to shift also?

Self-love is definitely a must, it assists us to be healthy, connected, courageous and clear. The power is to feel safe enough to enter a relationship and be you whilst choosing to serve your beloved – I call this “willing selfish selflessness”.

There are times when we must do deep explorative work around self-care, love and worthiness. Other times it is about letting someone in and simply shifting our perspective and being willing to be different and trust that others are working with us.

One is always glad to be of service.


Relational Alchemist, Speaker & Author


Relational Alchemist, Speaker & Author



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