Sexual Intelligence – The Distinction Between Purpose & Surrender

These terms are used frequently, but what do they mean? These states are not limited to men and women only.

For example, purpose needn’t stem from either the masculine nor the feminine. It can simply arise through the body, the heart or one’s temperament. If we surrender to that deep purpose we are being authentic. Therefore, there is an equal immersion in to surrendering to the deep purpose.

And how we understand and connect to these states needn’t be defined by modern (or extreme) masculine / feminine dichotomies. Those with deep purpose require a surrendering to that purpose.

You can only ‘f**k’ well, when you are being ‘f****d’ well. Even the penetrator must surrender to the occasion. In sexuality both must surrender. One person holding purpose and the other surrendering does not always hold true.

If we maintain a wholeness within where both masculine and feminine exists within both males and females, why do we still use these engendered terms?

Are there other terms or another way to express these truths without the perception of segregation? Perhaps using the terms ‘go and flow’? This may work to fill the gaps of potential ignorance?

In the midst of erotic consensual friction – we merge and become whole. In the dissolution and pulling apart these opposing forces of the masculine and feminine we become and enter in to cosmic union.

Much of this has been distilled down in to masculine and feminine understandings of the beautiful play of two opposing forces tussling.

As long as we understand the polarities (active / passive – light / dark – superficial / authenticity – penetrating / surrendering – dominance / submission). As long as the polarity we can order it in any way we wish. It is not limited to males and females.

The ability to articulate opposing forces is our objective. We needn’t limit ourselves to certain expressions being purely refined for either men or women. We may however paly with gendered roles consciously.

In a cohesive sexual experience, we become transported to a deeply expansive state. Who surrenders, wishes to give up control. There must be deep trust and consent here. We may here become lost within each other. Be prepared for this unfolding – it is very real and truly felt.

Who surrenders must be willing to release themselves in that moment, but there must be a trust within self to be able to surrender as we must have proper boundary function within ourselves and with others. This is deep consent and applied sexual intelligence.

We must be with people that we trust and in order to have this we must have intelligence around who we are. We must meet each other’s baselines and exploratory practices when we are engaging in intimacy – this is true sexual awareness.


One is always glad to be of service.


Relational Alchemist, Speaker & Author


Relational Alchemist, Speaker & Author



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When we make excuses we negate responsibility and therefore defuse our power. This is unattractive and makes us as men untrustworthy.

Recently having facilitated hundreds of men through deep transformational and explorative work I realized profoundly that our excuses are holding us back from intimacy and connection – to be seen and to witness.

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There is nothing intrinsically wrong with luxury and ease in life. In fact, it is something we all naturally pursue with zest. However, too much of it can make us weak, can hinder our ability to live an authentic life, where we abiding by some of our natural states.

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Sacred sexuality allows us not to hide, to be open in our bodies.
Sacred sexuality allows us to trust. This frees us so we do not harbour pain and tension.

The Perpetual Taking

To take consciously is to give abundantly…

For a man to be adored by his woman means the cosmos to him. For a man to be loved, sincerely cared, seen and nurtured allows him to burst in to thriving in to the universe – amplifying his power.

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