When courting or in the pursuit of intimate relationship we place the grandest version of ourselves forward. We present what we perceive to be the what the ‘other’ desires, needs or wants. We intertwine this with externally imposed collective values, societal pressure and a fear of being seen, known and felt.

To be open is to be vulnerable and to be vulnerable can be perceived as weak. Weakness lends itself to an inability to protect and therefore be unsafe. So, we court with the intention of polarising ourselves, instead of living from a space of connectedness, we basically pretend. It does not need to be this way…

We court for many reasons, we pursue or allow pursuit because it satisfies social, biological, relational, emotional, psychological and spiritual needs. In doing so we merge, converge, bind, bond and unite. In this unification we grow and expand.

There are three fundamental problems with courting of today.

1. The fluctuating pain and challenge that stems from being exposed to high and unrealistic expectations, which forces us to behave and express erratically and in mis-alignment.
2. he highly egoic expressive disposition of courting and;
3. The falsification of self driven largely through fear.

All three postures stem from an unrealistic view of what it means to be in union (sacred or other). We think that others need or want us to behave in a particular way, whilst this may be true for some immature relationships, for those who have explored themselves, know themselves to some deeper level or are on a deepened and heightened journey of self-discovery they only wish with all that they are that you simply ‘show up’ in all your glory, your darkness / light, with all that you are – your authentic and whole self.

Years ago, not that long ago this was what was needed of me and learned this the ‘difficult’ way… These types of relationships are real. They are not based on superficiality, facade, misplaced or unrealistic expectations.

They are raw, real and empowered. Why be ‘chivalrous’ or portray characteristics of chivalry when you first meet if that is not in your ‘make up’ or who you truly wish to be at that time…? Why be kind, sensitive, patient if that is not you most of the time?

Why pretend to be someone you are not, unless of course you are conscious of the transformational change you are eliciting within yourself and you are in a sort of ‘transition in between selves’. Then by all means own this, revere it and also… communicate it! That is the power right there!

We needn’t be something or someone we are not. Relationships break, break up or break down for a number of reasons. False pretence, discontinued action, not knowing self, miscommunication, fear and the cessation of presence are some.

Pretending in order to ‘win the perceived prize’ does not serve. I have been there. It is not pretty. It causes deep, traumatic pain. We won’t always get it right, we may occasionally still live from fear, I do it, you do it, that is ok – just be mindful and continue to grow…

Be you, because you matter. Anyone of substance wishes that more than anything else, that is the greatest gift you can give the world – is your brilliance and you have no f@#%^*g right to deny the world of your brilliance.

‘Evolved’ individuals yearn for this. This level of honesty is imperative for meaningful growth to transpire. By embodying authenticity and integrity we allow others to gain clarity. This is the authentic art of courting.

One is always glad to be of service.

STEFANOS SIFANDOS

Relational Alchemist, Speaker & Author