The Essence Of Intimacy

How can we trust? Why do we need to trust? If we do not trust, we do not connect. If we cannot connect we are bypassing basic human function, not fulfilling what the ‘social brain’ needs in order to flourish and thrive and essentially, becoming devoid of emotional intelligence.

Creating safety in a relationship is paramount to feeling and embodying longevity and a quality of exchange in intimacy within that relationship.

Relationships, love and intimacy will always face challenge. This is a beautiful part of our growth as people and social beings. Often understood as: the more intense and confronting the challenge, the more profound the possibility and potential for immense growth.

There is however a tipping point and this translates to us being deeply present to our behaviours, attitudes and beliefs around who we are and how we interact in our relationships.

There is one question that if asked in the midst of turmoil, pain, suffering or difficulty in relationship that will change the course and dynamic of that relationship. It is as follows: ‘What would love do now’?

If you can openly connect to that question, own that question and allow the permeating authentic truth of that question to come fourth, then you are growing and importantly through the consistent practice of asking this question you are cultivating beautiful trust and safety in your relationship.

• Cultivating a sense of safety within the relationship builds trust.
• Exhibiting trust and being open to receiving trust allows us to expand our consciousness and the openness in which we relate to each other.
• In order to feel trustworthy, project trustworthiness and create an atmosphere of safety we must be consistent in our actions.
• The combination of safety, trust and consistency leads us to moving through life with certainty. This is a powerful human motivator.

It is this practice of consistency that liberates us from the mundane and opens our hearts to the possibility of infinite love and true connection. Consistency works in any direction and we become competent and proficient at what we expose ourselves to regularly.

The basic principles are honouring trust through actions that are trustworthy and safe (predictable and endearing) through exposure and continuous repetition.

It takes very little effort to break trust and that is why consistency (in alignment with mutual highest values) is an integral part of the trusting process.

We must be consistent with our predictability in relationship. Particularly in the manner by which we disagree, communicate and present ourselves when under pressure.

If we consistently or regularly present as a threat, the people in our lives will retract. Neurologically, they will be on high alert, tensile and fearful of the unpredictability in the emotional volatility being presented.

They will essentially feel in danger when in our presence and it becomes cyclical paradigm where this fight / flight response feeds off its environment and of itself.

That is why it becomes imperative our beloved and loved ones know us, see us for who we; we have a capacity to be ourselves, be authentic, vulnerable, self-acknowledged and emotionally literate.

All of this contributes to repetition in exposing ourselves in such a way that is familiar. Our loved ones need not guess how we will respond to volatile circumstances.

This familiarity breed’s comfort, which ultimately cultivates states and feelings of safety and awareness.

We are ultimately responsible for allowing trust to flow through us – in to us and towards others. If we are in a situation that does not serve us, we must be mature enough, strong enough, wise enough and adept enough to remove ourselves from unsafe circumstances.

An easy task? No, but one worth contemplating. Trust is the cornerstone of growth in any intimate relationship.

One is always glad to be of service.

STEFANOS SIFANDOS

Relational Alchemist, Speaker & Author