Explaining The Unexplainable

How do we explain something so fragile, so deep and so profound. When we lose loved ones, intimacy, ideals, beliefs, ideologies, familiarity and all else in between? I wish to focus on relational loss here though. The loss or transition of an intimate partnership. How do we deal with the anxiety, stress and immense sadness that accompanies the loss of deep love in particular?

Justifying Loss

We may justify life in so many ways, we know in a layered wisdom that life brings to us precisely what we need as we need it. We know intrinsically that loss and gain are perceptions, nothing is ever truly lost, simply transmuted in to another form. But, the emotional overwhelm that is felt with disconnecting from a loved one is at times overpowering. Does the embracing of this ethos truly remove the sadness that accompanies loss when we wish not to ‘lose’? When parts of us know and feel differently? How do we reconcile that often agonising pain?

Loss of love in life can bring us to a place of intensified sadness. However, it is in this sadness that we learn to live and love wholly. There are times when sadness overwhelms us. We feel lost, disconnected, out of place within our emotional bodies. These are reference points and landmarks on our map of life that allow us to experience the fullness and magnificence of life. In the darkest chasms of our being we are able to find solitude, realisation and authentic truth.

Challenges & Difficulties

Loss is difficult, what is important to understand here is that difficulty and challenge is not a ‘bad thing’. When we ‘lose’ love, we are not actually losing, we are simply transcending or shifting from one state of being in to another. The perception of loss is felt as we once experienced intensity, consistency, regularity, familiarity, exposure and truthful exchange in experience and then one day… Gone… No longer. We can easily perceive this as loss and this feels immensely sad.

We are additive creatures, we often do not cope too well when we not ‘gaining’. When we are perceived to be gaining, we are content, full, happy, at peace. When we perceive any form of loss in our lives it can disorientate us. Cognitive and emotional reframing allows us to observe life from a place of abundance and a newly enlightened perspective. This process alters our neuronal mapping responsible for interacting with our emotional and social brain, which then allows us to experience reprieve from often tormenting sadness. The process further transmutes situations that are painful in to situations that are useful.

Beyond this however, we must learn to simply feel our feelings. Be with our pain of perceived separation. Know that we are not totally and completely defined by our externalised experiences and relationships. I say perceived because all events that occur to us are neutral. How we interact with these events and the meaning we place upon them define our state of wellbeing and responses to life.

But, again, beyond this, what if we simply immerse ourselves in to the pain, in to the fear associated with the disconnect of relational separation and despair…? We miss what is missing from our lives, what we love, what we are accustomed to, familiar with, endearing towards, value, care for, are sincere with, in alignment with and adore. I am not sure if this feeling ever completely dissipates?

Transient States

Whilst all states are transient and life is impermanent, the pain simply shifts and moves and presents itself in different ways. We often become caught in polarised memories of these very potent and intense experiences and we can quickly forget the contrast that caused us pain whilst once immersed in love. But again, lets move beyond neurology and psychology for a moment.

I know with my own experiences, it does not take me long to feel in to a memory and my body – brain – mind – heart integration are immediately there. I feel the fullness of it and I have a cognitive knowing that that specific experience is no more. I miss that experience, I miss the interchange of deep love shared and expressed in that moment. It saddens me to hear stories of love that have been separated based on forced circumstances. Tears stream down my face as love is distanced yet again.

The Blessing Of Love

I have been blessed in my life to be surrounded by love. I choose love wherever and whenever I can as it is deeply important to my growth. I miss certain people in my life that have added value to my being in so many ways. I miss my greatest love outside that of my own inner being and there is still profound sadness that dwells deep within me – a sadness that pulls at my heart. A sadness that knows at a soulful level that there is something not quite in alignment with the separation that has transpired. But a simultaneous and deep, intrinsic knowing that all is precisely where it must be.

There is great wonder found in this enveloping space of being. I have ceased ‘trying to understand’. That exercise is fruitless and deters from feeling authentically. However, what is important is the beauty I perceive every moment I connect to that specific loved shared and rather than sadness overcoming me, I cry tears of joy to have been blessed to have experienced such profound depth and to have learned so much, grown so deeply and known from the moment I was graced that growth and love was inevitable.

What we do, who we are, what we wish to be – it all must be for ourselves primarily. When we feel our feelings, we greater connect and relate to others and of course also be of service to others and their path.

Yes, tears of sadness are still shed, but as each intended moment passes, we grow, we become wiser, insight is cultivated, foresight is developed and connection is created. It is through pain itself that we are able to learn to trust, to surrender and to breathe through the fear, the loss and the overwhelm.

I Love You

I love you, I am here, I am there, I am purposeful, I am me, I am growing, I am present…

One is always glad to be of service.

STEFANOS SIFANDOS

Relational Alchemist, Speaker & Author