Experiencing The Father Wound As An Adult

  • You may be controlling, oppressive, subjugating and aggressive
  • Are hyper-competitive 
  • Have no healthy male friendships and bonds
  • No mastery of your sexuality 
  • Excessively seek validation through accomplishments and status
  • You consistently feel lost within
  • Lack of drive, inspiration, vision, and purpose
  • Purely driven by goals and a “win at all costs” attitude
  • Unconsciously seeking your father’s approval and acceptance
  • Self-loathing, self-hate, and self-destructive behaviours
  • “Enough is never enough” attitude

The father wound can show up in all of us. The father wound refers to father absenteeism, whether both emotionally and/or physically, and/or your father being very critical, negative, and even abusive character, can impact you and your adult intimate relationships.

The Father is supposed to provide initiation into manhood. When we miss this in our lives, we crave guidance and if we feel alone, we move to extremes or even to others to fill that gap.

Those of us with father wounds crave attention, approval, adoration, acceptance, and respect. We yearn for what we did not receive. We validate ourselves through our achievements, however, our achievements are never enough for ourselves or others, so we often push and push and push.

Let’s break this down:

Neglect“I am unimportant”

Absence – Divorce, separation, death

Abuse – Mental, physical, sexual, spiritual

Control – Oppressive domination

Withholding – Love, blessings, and/or affirmation, deficiencies that lead to a profound lack of self-acceptance.

We often crave the love we feel we missed out on through high-risk taking also, pushing social boundaries – stealing cars, drugs, extreme sports, gang-related violence, rebellion, cheating on tests and examinations in order to prove worth and so much more.

Experiencing the father wound and the perception that you believe you are not enough holds you back from experiencing true intimacy. Almost everyone (unconsciously or even consciously) is considered a threat. We may be men, however, our mentality may be stuck in that uninitiated boyhood.

If you have experienced any of this, you are not alone, I felt the weight of this for so long. Surround yourself with support, particularly if you are a man, surround yourself with other healthy men that see you. But first, you must see yourself.

Observe the areas of your life the feel incomplete, or empty. Enquire deeper into this and identify where and how you can feel fuller in your expression. Join a men’s group and begin to ritualize your transformations from boyhood to manhood. Look in the mirror every day and remind yourself that you are worthy, enough, and that you have the power.

One is glad to be of service.


Relational Alchemist, Speaker & Author


Relational Alchemist, Speaker & Author



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Are You Being Selfish?

I have been really contemplating and feeling this a lot lately. Asking myself whether or not my interests and actions are “too selfish”.
Am I not considering others enough in my decision making and more prominently, am I too easily put out? Am I not adaptive enough. I’m dealing with some acute responsibilities at the moment and it’s stoping me from personal stuff that I’d like to be doing.

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