Experiencing The Father Wound As An Adult

  • You may be controlling, oppressive, subjugating and aggressive
  • Are hyper-competitive 
  • Have no healthy male friendships and bonds
  • No mastery of your sexuality 
  • Excessively seek validation through accomplishments and status
  • You consistently feel lost within
  • Lack of drive, inspiration, vision, and purpose
  • Purely driven by goals and a “win at all costs” attitude
  • Unconsciously seeking your father’s approval and acceptance
  • Self-loathing, self-hate, and self-destructive behaviours
  • “Enough is never enough” attitude

The father wound can show up in all of us. The father wound refers to father absenteeism, whether both emotionally and/or physically, and/or your father being very critical, negative, and even abusive character, can impact you and your adult intimate relationships.

The Father is supposed to provide initiation into manhood. When we miss this in our lives, we crave guidance and if we feel alone, we move to extremes or even to others to fill that gap.

Those of us with father wounds crave attention, approval, adoration, acceptance, and respect. We yearn for what we did not receive. We validate ourselves through our achievements, however, our achievements are never enough for ourselves or others, so we often push and push and push.

Let’s break this down:

Neglect“I am unimportant”

Absence – Divorce, separation, death

Abuse – Mental, physical, sexual, spiritual

Control – Oppressive domination

Withholding – Love, blessings, and/or affirmation, deficiencies that lead to a profound lack of self-acceptance.

We often crave the love we feel we missed out on through high-risk taking also, pushing social boundaries – stealing cars, drugs, extreme sports, gang-related violence, rebellion, cheating on tests and examinations in order to prove worth and so much more.

Experiencing the father wound and the perception that you believe you are not enough holds you back from experiencing true intimacy. Almost everyone (unconsciously or even consciously) is considered a threat. We may be men, however, our mentality may be stuck in that uninitiated boyhood.

If you have experienced any of this, you are not alone, I felt the weight of this for so long. Surround yourself with support, particularly if you are a man, surround yourself with other healthy men that see you. But first, you must see yourself.

Observe the areas of your life the feel incomplete, or empty. Enquire deeper into this and identify where and how you can feel fuller in your expression. Join a men’s group and begin to ritualize your transformations from boyhood to manhood. Look in the mirror every day and remind yourself that you are worthy, enough, and that you have the power.

One is glad to be of service.


Relational Alchemist, Speaker & Author


Relational Alchemist, Speaker & Author



Seeking External Validation

Ever feel like that? Like enough is never enough? Feels good for a minute or a few days and then you feel empty again? The iPhone is great for a couple of weeks and then you’re wondering what’s next? The brand new BMW is great for a month but then the novelty wears off. Then what… This can be true for so many of us and can be a hard pill to swallow. The incessant pursuit of validation or wanting to feel full through gaining more, having more and relying on how others perceive us can be a painful journey.

Men – The Need For Freedom

Traditionally, men have required freedom in order to function, in order to feel safe, at peace and connected.

This is not a, nor THE problem. The ‘problem’ (or perhaps puzzle to put together and mystery to solve) is how we have defined freedom as a collective and how we will define it moving forward?

The Holding Through Tears – An Open Share

“As I sit here today, contemplating, feeling the feels, slightly melancholic, yet optimistic and clear – allowing myself to be with where I am I reflect deeply on the temporal nature of ‘things’ and how they affect us and can I come back to holding self? There is great joy in feeling fully and not bypassing parts of self. It leads to greater overall happiness and connection.

Today’s Modern Warrior

In a world of dysmorphic alpha males that are attached to polarized and unhealthy expressive states of being, something needs to give… We tend to think that there are either alpha or beta males – firstly, this line of thinking is limiting (does alpha even truly exist???? And secondly, we have an opportunity to redefine what it means to be an ‘alpha’ male…

Better OUT than IN

My beautiful grandmother would tell me to never hold farts in. In Italian, she would say often “Always out, never in.” I remember this distinctly, and then she would burp and I would laugh hysterically. She was the best! I then would run around farting and get excited to go to the toilet haha! I now often think about the real life implications of ‘out’.


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