Men, this is for us. To work through our ‘stuff’ – to drop the facade, the ego and ‘do the work’. To come to peace with who we are and be the conscious warriors we were born to BE!

For so long, for most of my life I was so deeply disconnected from myself and from what I had a capacity to be in this world – out of touch, I lacked integrity, connection, awareness and could not ‘hold space’. This distanced me from loved ones and lengthened the pain often felt in intimate connection.

The holding of space is our ability to show up to any situation or challenge and be us, the wholeness and fullness of who we are not be affected by the impulses, pain and fears of others.

In order to do this we must know self, know our triggers, trust in ourselves and surrender to the authentic power that resides within. To hold space and ‘show up’ means to come to the party with all that we are.

We enter a point in life where it becomes imperative we are able to self-regulate our internal emotional state, understand ourselves and know how to respond to volatility, extremity, pain, suffering and fear that does ourselves and others justice.

We can only reach this place of stability and sturdiness when we have done the inner work or at the very least are on an epic journey of realised transformation.

In other words – we have immersed in to the self of the shadow, observed and are continuing to observe the collective and individual shadow. Are aware of our nuances, fears, deep pains and unconscious patterning’s.

Otherwise, what will occur is instability, a lack of verticality, violence, abhorrence, disempowerment, disconnection in intimacy and conscious relating and the inability to communicate with clarity.

We will no be able to be there emotionally and physically for those we love because we are too easily triggered and then become self-absorbed with our own pain. How beautiful it is to hold your beloved through their storm, their pain, their frustrations, their fears.

What a gift to self, the other and the collective to be this for someone else. To shorten their immersion in to the abyss of pain and mystery, to hold them through their suffering and to be so present that they feel safe enough to seek and explore that little bit more so that they may gain the fullness and wisdom of that experience from what they are feeling. They then learn and grow and take that in to their relationship with you!

When we are stuck in our ‘stuff’ we cannot see the signs, we take on personally what others experience, the ego self shines bright, screams loudly and disengages our ability to respond, be calm and not take personally the storm that is occurring outside of us.

Healing our wounds as men, healing our trauma, observing our truth allows us to be present to the pain of others. Grants us insight in to who we are becoming and what others are experiencing in a very real and raw way.

For too long in my life, I would take on the pain of my beloved or partner, I would blame, shame and not know how to hold strongly her fears. I had unconscious and rigid expectations that she SHOULD be there for me, but I was not emotionally and cognitively mature enough to be there for her.

Why? Because I had not done the deep work and as a result, I ran in fear. Yes I was there physically, but my mind, heart and authentic integrity were not.

I was then perplexed as to why life was so chronically challenging? I could not be what I wanted others to be and was self-absorbed in my own unconscious pain, because I had not done the inner work to equilibrate, release and liberate myself from old patterns that no longer served my growth, nor my relationships.

There is such profound beauty that emerges from the depth of conscious relating when as men we are able to be completely present to the dark feminine or dark flow that is (only temporarily) unleashed in times of intensity within our beloved.

This holding and sturdy stability allows us to bond, merge and deepen our connection – so much wisdom and expansion comes from this. We literally break old neural patterns that limit the quality of our experiences.

When as men, we cannot consistently be this for our beloved we slowly push her further away and distance ourselves from the love we share. We engrain in the memory of our beloved our inability to be present, our untrustworthiness and reliability, our lack of capacity to care fully, our inability to hold her, our hyper-selfishness and our unaddressed fears.

But what must we be? A man who owns his stuff, who has and is exploring the chasms of his being, a man who understands his shadow and a man willing to stand strong for his beloved.

Who must we be? Ourselves in purity and men of effort, authenticity, truth and agapistic and filial love.

What must we do? Nothing. It is not about doing, it is about being present. ‘Solving the problem’ is not what is required.

Does this mean men can never be upset, angry, distressed, express their own storm? F**k no! It means that all that occurs does so in a orchestral timing. It is her turn, her time, her space. Be there. This is what this right here and right now is about. Support your beloved and she will support you!

When your beloved is in pain, feel it, be empathetic but also act in compassion by not taking personally what you are being exposed to unless of course it is your deliberate (conscious or unconscious) actions that have caused the pain – then simply own it. Move through it. Do not be hard on yourself. Take it for what it is and be stable in your responsibility of self.

Judge not, do not shut down your beloved, release the attached ego self, be kind, be open to whatever is occurring without criticism and division and come not from fear. Just be there without the need to ‘fix’ or judge.

Communicate openly and love who you are in the process. This self-love is what will ultimately liberate your beloved and the temporary volatility from their pain and of course bond you and reinforce the cosmic intelligence you both share so deeply.

There is deep ‘expressive work’ to do and yes, we are very much ready…

STEFANOS SIFANDOS

Relational Alchemist, Speaker & Author