Men, Just LISTEN, Don’t Fix

As men, we yearn to fix, it feels like an accomplishment, like we have conquered the challenge. There is more to this though. There are times when the situation, perceived problem or pain does not require anything else but our presence.

We want to fix in order to feel useful, worthy or of value. I know I have in the past. We don’t realise that our own insecurities prevent us from going deeper with our loved ones. Our beloved at times simply wants to be seen and heard.

No fixing, nothing more, just sheer masculine presence. This doesn’t mean that we discount ourselves, nor does it mean that we allow ourselves to be abused or mistreated in anyway. But, if we are to serve and hold, it must come from a place of truly listening and being present.

Something I learned at a deeper level over the weekend being in men’s intensive was around holding space, being presence itself and listening with sincerity AND… WITH boundaries. That’s the part I had perhaps negated, specifically around ‘time’.

For many years I have been practicing being more attentive, simply being there and holding as best I can (without allowing my past or triggers to raise their ugly head in a midst of the feminine expression). That expression applies to both within myself and outside of myself.

What I have been missing as John our teacher was speaking to was the boundary of time. Hold, hold strong, be present, listen, don’t fix, don’t offer advice AND… place a time on that container. Revisit it, if required and place the structure around it.

It does no good to anyone to allow the expression (anger, grief, sadness, frustration, projections, pains, etc.) to be prolonged. We all need respite. In my experience as the masculine it becomes imperative that I place structure around the expression.

This may look like 5 minutes, 10 minutes, etc. to go all out and then it can be revisited later. The feminine wishes to be heard and seen fully. As the masculine places structure around this, it feels a safer container. This does not mean, the expression cannot be revisited later.

It simply means that there is balance and reprieve for both. For me, I have found this helps me too, when I am moving through a personal issue and the feminine expressive parts of me need to be held by my inner masculine.

Having that guidance and container allows me to be all in at deeper levels. Also, it helped me have space from the pain or issue and then go back in to it if required with freshness.

Men, your woman wants to be heard and she wants to know you actually care. Being there fully, honouring your mind, heart and body, whilst simultaneously revering hers will be liberating for both of you.

Try this next time your woman needs to express. Be there, don’t bring your past or triggers in. Know it’s about her. Literally stayed tall. Breathe deeply, hold your gaze and let her know that this pain and expression has (at least) a time stamp on it.

Love her through all that she is and revere her. AND… respect your needs in the interim. Tough? Yes. Doable? Also, yes.

One is glad to be of service.

STEFANOS SIFANDOS

Relational Alchemist, Speaker & Author