Defining Authenticity In The Face Of Fear

An Open Interaction & Dialogue

Of rediscovery;
Of pain and fear;
Of immense confrontation;
Of a complete reassessment of self;
Of a reconfiguration of the entirety of my being;
Of the mute darkness of the unknown;
Of the mystery that is the endless micro chasm of self;
Of truth and of its antithesis – ignorance;
Of thoughtful regret;
Of repressed guilt and shame;
Of profound heart opening and;
Of authenticity…

The Source Of Pain

Recently, I have been to the depths of what I can only describe as a space and place that has no logic, no reason and no connected understanding. A place where the masculine within is bitterly uncomfortable and a literal fish out of water – where the masculine within is in deep experiential pain. Where I have felt like a lost little boy in disarray and painful disconnection from what has made any previous sense in life. A place and space that only the authentic heart has any chance or capacity of holding strength and resilience.

I have had to take ‘time out’ to recalibrate, to reconnect and to re-immerse back in to the fullness of my being. I have consciously chosen to face the darkest aspects of self, crawl and traverse down chasms of my inner being and soul-scape I never knew even existed. Be proverbially tortured in order to ‘know’ truth, to feel life and to deconstruct all of me and all of what I thought and felt to be whole…

I have had to surrender profoundly to the mystery of the unknown and to the mystery that is life… I have had to go within to discover what sanity actually means. I have had to explore the outermost (and innermost) boundaries and definitions of truth, love, connection, empowerment, belonging and every other human construct known in order to know I am not that which I thought and felt I was – I am so much more… ‘

I have witnessed directly what I can only identify as inner turmoil, actualised and felt hell. How do we define hell? Perhaps it is a place where the unknown destroys our known world – where tremendous fears of self arise and where the undefinable becomes painfully real. ‘I have lost my being to find my being’.

Redefining Self

I have had to redefine my being, the entirety of my ways, my ‘knowing’, my presence, my choices, my models of reality, my beliefs, my soul self, my environment and all I know to be real… I have delved deep in to and embrace guilt, shame and fear – I have been naked in front of all I thought was real only to be torn apart again and slowly put back together.

I have been buried in the abyss of darkness, stripped of myself – entrenched in complete and encompassing fears and pain beyond my own comprehension. I have journeyed through an interconnected emotional, spiritual, psychological and physiological excruciating and agonizing catharsis that carried an overwhelming and at most times overbearing inner pain that left me vulnerable, open and disconnected from ‘reality’.

I have lost all I knew was real, true and meaningful in life, I lost my greatest love in order to realise who I must fully become. Loss, fear, disconnection, pain, profound tears and darkness of the unknown have conspired beautifully and eloquently to take me to a place of salvation, realization, connection and wonderment.

The Role Of The Masculine & The Feminine

I have had my perception of masculinity stripped away from every fragment and layer of my consciousness only to realise that I have embraced only fallacy and an incongruent nature of being. That the man I thought I was meant to be was simply a mode of dust floating, pretending, not embracing his divine and authentic power. I have had to destroy in order to once again emerge and rise.

The masculine within surrendered to the all-pervasive knowing of the feminine within. To all her infinite wisdom, he allowed her to lead with heart and soul. She took me to a place of deep sensation, a place of deep feeling – where truth and openness reside and thrive. Where vulnerability is cherished, revered and held closely as a key to unlocking the infinite wisdom that is life…

The feminine connection to and towards self allowed me to feel a very visceral experience to all that is so immensely real. In awe of this beauty and this wonder I collapsed so many times to my knees in grace, asking for more, for a deeper connection to self, to explore fully the evolving finality of this process within that unique and sacred moment. Knowing that this connection entailed a deeper journey in to the belly and into the core and darkness of pain itself.

To fully surrender, accept and give all that I am and thought that I was to this pain, to this feeling state and be at peace with this process… To learn more than I could have ever imagined via the grace of the thoughtful, intuitive, nurturing and all knowing inner feminine – I am truly blessed.

“Take me to a place where all is lost so that I may discover what it means to be human again. To connect openly and with a deep and authentic vulnerability to the life I have for myself. To not come from fear, but to move THROUGH fear and come from truth, reverence for self, connection to my heart and a knowing that supersedes intellect and embraces gnosis. It is time to rise like never before, but only made possible by losing the entirety of my being in order to discover my truth”.

When the masculine gently surrenders to the feminine softness that is the beating heart and essence of life an openness occurs deeply. In this openness we discover our truth. Many a time it is overwhelming, overbearing and painful. It is a deliberate intention and acute attention coupled with movement, momentum and motion through this pain that defines our path and sets our trajectory towards actualising our infinite potential.

Deep Transformation

This journey is far from over, but at a cellular level, a soul level, a mind level and a relational level I am not who I once was… I am simply not me anymore. This conscious reconstruction has been the most deeply challenging and conscious decision of my life…

We often interpret the loss of another as the complete loss of self. We attach so much meaning to our relationships in general. This is the power and pull of relationship. The reality is that relationships are externalised mirrors of the self within. They are an accurate compass connecting to one’s truth. We must perceive loss to realise where our life actually gains. Our dualistic world tells us so time and time again.

A Journey Of Fear

I chose to journey deep in to fear. To feel the fullness of what it truly is, what it symbolises, represents and gives. To connect to its purpose, its place and beyond that; to just feel the fullness of fear, be at one with the multiple fears arising within at every moment. Everyday I literally felt I died – everyday I did and everyday I did not simultaneously. Everyday I contemplated a layered death and everyday I was reborn with a new awareness of self, life, sustenance and truth.

To experience being completely alone, fears around loneliness, aloneness, suffering of the self, solitude, an unforgiving and un-fortifying diminished sense of self worth, a complete loss of identity and an unrecognisable self has profoundly shifted my reality of self. Multiple journeys in to the microcosm and macrocosm of self and the cosmos were revealing, confronting, scary, deeply opening, wounding and yet (not then but now) emancipating and unshackling…

If we choose to align and live in fear without meaningful exploration and not delve in to this integral aspect of the human condition we lose a key understanding and connection to our whole and authentic self. I chose not to live in a broken, closed and fragmented state anymore. No matter the confronting pain and fear, I chose and choose to immerse and immerse deeply – to lose self in order to truly discover self.

The Role Of Our Thoughts

Thoughts and feelings are temporary visitors in the mind-scape of our infinite vastness, however they can often maintain a stronghold on who we are and how we behave – what we approach and what we hide from. Our vessel has the infinitesimal capacity to hold whatever we wish to perceive. Giving thoughts and feelings power over our conscious lives and allowing them to affect our wellbeing and relationships is a choice and sometimes a wise choice if executed with intention and awareness. It is through this polarised experience in to depth that we eventually know wholeness.

It is this very intuitive process of attentive consciousness that grants us profound insight in to the authentic and whole self. The gift is to absorb, connect to and to then release the entirety of what we think we know – to fully surrender in to the source of all that we are. This has been my journey, this has been my growth and this has been my greatest ‘evolving triumph’…

What Can We Learn?

I wish to impart this to the world with a clear message. I wish all that I do and all that I am stem deep from my being, my heart and my soul and demonstrate fullness in expression. For it is in this fullness that we hold a remarkable and balanced presence.

To choose to empower and inspire others with a graceful intent to feel what it means to be alive, congruent and connected within ourselves. To be deeply inspired by our being and to confront fear with an infinite curiosity, warrior like and vulnerable courage, soulful intrigue and an empowered state of being and ultimately, to be present with the fullness of life.

To not be restricted by fear, but rather live life openly, to not allow fear, the unknown and deconstructive habitual patterning and ignorance to destroy love, but to rather immerse oneself in to love. To then impart my own personal wisdom and experiential conduct around the whole masculine and feminine expressive states of being. As balancing this relates powerfully to wholeness (one of humanity’s and our souls greatest gifts to the expansiveness that is animates life).

Be You & Surrender To The Mystery

Now is the time to let go in to the mystery of life and simply trust. Now is the time to liberate ourselves (albeit cataclysmically challenging). Now is the time to be a humble, spiritual warrior and enter the abyss of the unknown, for it is in this place that we discover our true power. The deep work we are all doing (those choosing to do this) is for a profound and interconnected reason that will free humanity from the bondage of ignorance and fear. It is a deep process, but one that is truly worthy.

I urge you to explore and proceed with an undying and unwavering faith.

As always, one is glad to be of humble service.

STEFANOS SIFANDOS

Relational Alchemist, Speaker & Author

STEFANOS SIFANDOS

Relational Alchemist, Speaker & Author

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