4 Ways To Get What You Want In Relationships
Distance In Relationships
Most people can (with ease) describe what they do not want in relationships distancing themselves from the partners and lovers by creating tension through the minimisation, externalisation and projection of their words. Often, when we ask the same people what they do want in a relationship, their ability to answer as openly and connect to this truth is challenging.
We seldom focus on what we truly want or what is actually working in life (truth is we are not necessarily hardwired for it), it requires effort but through operative, behavioural and neural conditioning we can begin to respond to life and relationships with greater appreciation, connectedness and openness. As we progress in relationship, focusing on the problems becomes effortless. We tend to catalogue all the negative patterns and qualities of our beloved, tensions, frustrations and perceived hindrances that have arisen during the course of our relationship.
The Power Of Communication
As a result, our communication becomes tensile and painful and we often focus our expression upon what we do not want instead of what we do. Through fear of repetitive exposure it is easier to complain or vocalise dissatisfaction than to directly state or ask for what we truly desire. Unfortunately, we are all too accustomed to operating from a place of fear where we react as opposed to respond to our partners.
We assume a self-protective and defensive stance in relation to the pain and disconnection we experience with our partners. Then we fail to recognise that when we are experiencing are overpowering emotional reactions to our partner triggering old unresolved, unconscious wounding that are based on unresolved issues from our childhood. And often we have little awareness of this style of relating and in actuality; it is removing us further away from connecting and relating intimately.
The Power Of Connection
When in this defended, self-righteous posture, we lose connection to our authentic power. The interaction becomes about being ‘wronged’ or winning an argument instead of resolving an issue that is actually distancing us from our beloved. Here, we may experience the ego and the harsh inner critic raise its head of self-preservation, project, shame and blame. Whilst many partners tend to be combative, others take the opposite approach: Rather than say what they want, they shut down or turn inward – recall the reaction to hardship or challenge being grounded in fear (fight – flight – freeze).
Now we may choose to be quietly resentful or indulge in destructive thoughts toward our own selves, such as the experiential feelings of not being good enough, worthy enough, intelligent enough and so on. Here, we may experience humiliation, self-loathing, disdain for self, low-self worth and self-esteem and we go within and cease to express our truth to those who matter. Speaking your truth from a place of openness and love is actually a very powerful tool for growth, bonding and the cessation of arguing, tension and relational friction.
We avoid criticising, hurting and insulting our loved ones. It is also a way of embodying vulnerability that inturn allows your beloved to truly know and feel for you and of course allows them to also express their authentic and congruent truth. When we are vulnerable we increase the likelihood of our beloved expressing their truth also.
4 Ways To Getting What You Want
Here are 4 postures that may serve you and assist you in embodying this more open style of relating:
1. Practice Unilateral Disarmament
This is an approach and technique that can be utilised if an argument or disagreement is not being resolved. Identify your objective in relating. For most of us it is about being emotionally close and bonded to each other. If you are in an emotionally charged exchange begin by going within, creating physical space between you both and move in to slowing down and regulating the rhythm and cycle of your breath. Then focus on the love you have for your beloved. Change the direction of the exchange.
For example, you may state: “I care about our love and your state of being more than this argument”. This diffusing of the current situation will soften both of you immensely and place you in to open states of being. Now you can communicate more openly and vulnerably, knowing that you are both safe in this space as there is respect exhibited from each other. You will now express and focus on what your needs are, not what is lacking in the dynamic – this is powerfully transformative.
2. Remain Vulnerability & Create Safety
It is difficult and challenging for many people to truly express and verbalise what they truly desire, or even admit it to themselves. When you do express your wants, it’s important to do it directly but from a vulnerable place. Avoid communicating in an entitled or demanding / selfish manner. Avoid rigid and loud ‘I’ statements. ‘I’ statements (in the negative used for purely selfish purposes) can alienate and deter our beloved from being present and fully engaged and present in the relationship.
Avoid over explaining, feeling guilt or shame for who you are or despondent in your communication. Creating pre-established safety in your communication and in your dynamic will allow you both to be honest from a place of love, ‘selfish selflessness’, care and sincerity where you will express deeply with fear of judgement. There are times when we wish to express what may appear to be unrealistic expectations of our relationship.
Express the feeling behind this regardless. It will often be linked to previous unresolved trauma or maladaptive coping strategies. By verbalising you are at the beginning stages of healing, neutralising and equilibrating these negative and destructive patterns. It is also necessary to feel loved and supported in our journeys – speak your empowering truth.
3. Avoid Victimising Language
Robert Firestone wrote, “Maintaining a child victim role leads to chronic passivity”. It becomes important not to be passive aggressive towards those we love deeply because of our own unchecked internalised frustrations and dissonance. We should never punish our loved ones for not knowing instinctively what we want or for failing to read our minds. No one can meet all of our needs needs. We must choose to focus on cultivating wholeness within ourselves first.
Yes, it is natural to want to feel deep love and connection, but when we feel and recognise our wholeness within that love deepens dramatically. Depending on our partner for our sense of security, safety and emotional stability is projecting, is minimising ourselves and disconnecting us from our own true power. Our words must be grounded in an authentic expression of what our heart desires, not a demand or entitlement.
4. Trust, Revere & Respect Each Other
In trust, reverence and respect we are demonstrating to our beloved that they are worthy of our time, our energy and our lives. This is massive in relation to how our beloved may choose to respond to us. In order to revere and respect, we must know ourselves in order to know the other. We must openly choose to value who they are, not judge them harshly and trust that they have their best (and your best) interests at heart.
This posture in an opportunity to bond deeply and experience intimacy at a new level, like never before – there is a profound merging that occurs in this space of surrendering to self and to you beloved like never before. In this intimacy we become open to communicating our truth and ensuring our needs in the relationship are both being met.
Final Thoughts & Feelings
Often when we long (in an unhealthy manner) for something as layered, complex and deep as love, it can become associated with pain – the pain we felt due to not having it in the past. Feeling connected to what we truly desire in the present may make us feel vulnerable and be hurt again.
Because of this, many of us will not want to recognize what we truly desire, much less express it openly to their beloved, who can then potentially disappoint them. Every one of us maintains defences around our wants and desires, but there is great value in being direct and open in stating what we truly need. We then allow others to do the same and embody principles of honesty. What this choice also allows is greater alignment in our lives – alignment of values synergising and mirroring. This eliminates repeated, unresolved pain of loss and heartache.
There is no growth in repeating the same experiences because we are stuck in a perpetual cycle of fear of connecting to and expressing our authentic truth. There’s incredible value in learning to communicate what you truly want in your life: You feel empowered when you live in a state of authentic and aligned wanting.
You are in symbiotic cohesion with yourself, and have clear direction and purpose in your life. And if you do experience pain (as this is a natural part of life), you learn that you are resilient, capable and can handle much more disappointment than you could of ever envisioned. Importantly, when you express yourself in this authentic way, you recognise that you are worthy of what of empowering relationships and you deserve all that you truly desire.
One is always glad to be of service.
Relational Alchemist, Speaker & Author
Relational Alchemist, Speaker & Author