There are a million one ways to create connection and depth in relationship. I could go deep in to techniques, secrets and the subtleties of behaviour and human interaction and the reality is if we don’t explore ourselves first and are willing to venture in to the unknown, it’s a fruitless task.

Something that is massively overlooked in our world today is selflessness and giving. Moving beyond the first stage of intimate relating of selfishness and a focus of “what can I get from this relationship”, in to: “what can I give to this relationship”?

These two paradigms are very different. As a young man and man-boy I was more interested in ratifying my own emotional, spiritual and sexual needs. I was more consumed with the value of my own time and energy. Yes, I was interested in ‘pleasing’ and satisfying my lovers and partners, but the reasons were not for them, it was for my ego.

Most men are like this – SCRATCH THAT… MOST PEOPLE are like this, until we learn that there is more to life than taking. I learned the hard way. I fell from facade and my ‘pretend grace’. I realised I was taking from others and taking from life. I was giving, but largely in a tokenistic fashion.

Do I regret it and do I have remorse? Absolutely and profoundly. Would I change it? No. Because, I was blessed enough to learn and grow and transform because of these extremes that I have experienced. AND… You needn’t suffer tirelessly. If there is a secret to amazingly connected sex, a trustworthy relationship, having someone you can rely on, experiencing true intimacy and having a sustainable relationship, its this…

GIVE. Give your time, give yourself, ask questions, attend to the other’s well-being, help them grow, carry their bags, give oral, know their favourite position, surprise them, make life about their needs sometimes, support their greatest dreams, speak their language, be compassionate, listen, provide space and so much more.

Don’t suffer at another’s expense, however learn to prioritise the needs of others. If you don’t do this, you’ll never know how amazing it feels, how liberating and freeing. There is greet freedom in being present and genuinely interested in another human being and their needs.

No, your happiness is not dependent on their state of being. You are un-wavered and solid in your own self and you practice giving regularly. Guess what??? Someone who appreciates you and sees you for who you truly are will appreciate this so immensely that will naturally reciprocate your gift of presence and giving.

Ah, and then begins the cosmic dance of love-making and an erotic and playful exchange of pleasure. And if they do not reciprocate your gift, guess what…? It tells you something about them, you and the relationship… Clarity is KING or QUEEN…

So, you want more??? Give more…

One is glad to be of service.

STEFANOS SIFANDOS

Relational Alchemist, Speaker & Author