The traits that are attractive and appealing when dating are different to the traits needed when maintaining a meaningful and long-term relationship.

This is not to say that what we were initially attracted to doesn’t still apply years later. It most definitely does. When we first meet we are yearning for passion, excitement, we often value an outgoing personality, confidence, and the spontaneous pursuit and chase of discovering the novelty of each other.

As we deepen our relationship and intertwine our lives we can shift towards craving care, deeper commitment, stability, certainty, and a knowing that our partners will love ‘all of who we are, even the parts we don’t like about ourselves.

The other side of this is we also often pursue outside of ourselves and in others (both consciously and unconsciously) what we are lacking within. Neediness, low self-esteem, fragility in ego, and vulnerability in us will often attract what we are missing and want more of, hence why victims and empaths attract narcissists.

So, in order to feed that lower self-sense of self, we crave status, esteem, possibility, and positivity in order to feel better. We search for these things outside of ourselves and in others.

Generally when initially dating this is what we will search for (often unknowingly), unless we are super self-aware and carry higher levels of self-worth to know what we deserve because we know ourselves.

So, while we may engage in the chase, the novelty, and the fun, we are not coming from a wounded and “less-than” place of heart, body, and mind. And we realize that this is a phase (the limerence phase actually).

And like most things in life, we will oscillate between back and forth. Our needs change with age, wisdom, growth, and life experience. Holding on to the past or living from a place of low self-worth perpetuates pain. Our focus becomes on what we don’t have as opposed to what we do have.

So, what do you have in your life that you value? 

One is glad to be of service.