The Sacred & Compelling Power of Monogamy
There has always been an integral part of me that has valued the nature of deep shared intimate connection. A connection that takes us on an intertwining journey. A journey that allows us to discover deeply the essence of ourselves through sacred union with another, through the experience and exploration of mirrored depth, elation, challenge, bliss, fear, pain, cosmic union and all that comes from being so connected that we cannot help but see ourselves reflected in another. Can monogamy, in its most pure essence be a part of this deep intimacy?
Each individual must make their own personal decisions and express their own personal essence within relationship based on a myriad of factors when it comes to how they define sacred union, sacred sexuality and how they define their own set parameters with respect to relating in union with another. This is not an open discourse on whether sharing one’s sacred energy with one (let’s call it monogamy) or many (let’s call thisnon-monogomy) simultaneously is inherently ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ but rather it is a deeper reflection on the value in harnessed sharing of self coupled with intention, awareness and self-love.
The Sacred & Compelling Power Of Monogamy
There are many interpretative and linguistic connotations associated with the words monogamy and non-monogomy and depending on your personal values on the matter some can be negative. For the simplicity of expression we will utilise these terms openly here as objective terms defining a particular expression – this is all.
Yes, what is being advocated here is single partner sharing and intertwining of intimacy (sexual, emotional, psychological and spiritual). I believe (for several reasons) that this form of deeply profound bonding has a great capacity to evolve and expand our consciousness and awareness of self and of our collective species for many reasons that we will unpack and discover shortly. But firstly I wish to address how this form of harnessed relating can be perceived as an inadequate way of connecting long-term. There are many moving parts to this story, so let us begin with the role of the ego.
The Ego & Monogomy
The ego becomes a barrier in our relating intimately and deeply to another. The ego may have us believe that monogamy is dangerous as the ego can be afraid of commitment. Whilst the ego thrives on familiarity and commitment can be perceived as familiar and even comfortable it is necessary to understand that the ego only knows how to desire through the art of anticipation and pursuit. Generally not able to receive fully the very thing, experience, event or life circumstance it actually desires.
We all have primal and neural urges driven by compounded periods of time that from a perspective of evolution have influenced our behaviours and relational conduct. If we were reduce procreation and the act of sexual procreation to biology it makes sense for various reasons that we would be polygamous creatures – there is much research that demonstrates our evolution in relation to sex, biology, mating and procreation.
These theories support the reality that we are not necessarily single partnered species and that our biology and neurology influences our choices and natural state of being deeply. With this said, we must observe the tension or polarising effect of acting against our ‘natural state’. The truth is that biology is one factor that influences and impacts our lived out reality and growth as a collective species. But let us explore this further.
Beyond The Physical
We are more than just physical beings, we have evolved to think and feel well beyond our primitive ancestors. Let us observe the multi-layered and multi-faceted nature of our development in relationship to self and to others from a perspective of deepened psychology, complex emotionality and expanded spirituality.
When we begin to feel restriction or limitation in an openly stated committed relationship, we must query why? Are we reliving past trauma, are conditioned fears interpreted or experienced during our formative years rearing themselves in order to self-preserve? If we feel constricted in a relationship, we may need to ask why? Is that partner for us? Do our values align? Are we supportive of each other? What is occurring at a deeper level?
If one is in a committed relationship but is constantly physically attracted to others what does this signify? Some may suggest that this is spiritual immaturity hiding in a neo-tantric cloak. Let us continue the exploration and whilst we do so, let us not focus completely on biology but the evolution of our own spiritual, the development of the culturally conditioned ego and our relational selves.
Limitations Of Ego
The immature ego self may desire multiple partners for a few primary reasons.
The first reason may be that we are in consistent pursuit of that neuro-chemical dump – that cocktail of hormones and neurotransmitters released upon connecting with someone in an intimate manner that we are attracted to for our own reasons. We become addicted to this state of being and it drives our behaviour. We believe that this state of being is ‘true love’ and that if we are not experiencing this we are not immersed in love.
Remember, that new partnerships often offer the posturing of contrast, which delights the ego with exhilaration. Here, the ego must seek new experiences on a habitual basis, in order to keep the momentum of conditioning, familiarity and comfort functioning. Otherwise, the infrastructure of ego begins to collapse in and on itself as the transparent light of truth and realisation unravels the ego through waves of boredom, detachment and depression.
Simply put, the ego is pursuing new intimate partnerships (first stage love development) because the second stage (where the deep and confronting work is done) is too overwhelming, too confronting, too revealing and to intense. But it here in this stage of connecting that deep and profound awakening transpires.
The ego loves to micromanage. This incessant activity ensures stillness and silence becomes a far away dream. Whilst we crave silence, inner peace and stillness, the busyness of mind and externalised activity allows the ego to focus on ‘stuff’ that does not matter, that is meaningless and lacks substance. Because the ego aspect of self cannot be permanently satisfied by the love of one, it attempts to be adored in multiple ways, seeking this gratification at almost any cost.
Despite the ego’s limitations of not truly possessing the capacity to receive the intimacy and validation it actively pursues, as it integrates into the maturity of our awakening soul-self, we develop the capacity and worthiness to receive the fullness of love as expressed from the intimacy of another by working through the depth of connection and emotional triggering (intimate mirroring) the other represents for us.
Sacredness In Love
Whether we are meant to give our love to one sacred lover throughout our lives or varied primary and memorable lovers through the varied stages of our evolution, the importance of remaining in monogamy emphasises the essence of personal and collective spiritual expansion.
What we are openly stating here is that there is tremendous growth that occurs from being immersed with one person at a time, as we open our hearts and minds to the expansive states of awareness that come from the symbiotic synergy and conscious relating that comes from confronting our pain points in an intimate setting. The mind and body know what they require for growth. And it is the primary function of the human spirit to grow and expand its state in an ever-evolving manner.
Monogamy – (in this context) is simply our ability to be fully present with sincerity, vulnerability and willingness to our partners in our current relationships, as a way of unearthing, recognising and existentially experiencing the most fulfilling moments each partnership has a capacity to provide.
Whilst your relationship may or may not last, why not be fully immersed in that relationship so that you and your lover may gain the most from each other without distractions? Whilst the commitment-phobic ego desires the idea of a relationship for it can represent safety and validation, it is only the essence of whom we are that benefits from the sacred union shared intimately and openly between two hearts.
When coming from a higher place of consciousness – a place transcendent of the ego, two hearts activate the evolution, expansion and growth of the each other. If we remain and incubate in ego, the focus of the relationship becomes a means through which personal and hyper-selfish gain is prioritised unconsciously more often than not.
Our historical conditioning and past pains are unravelled solely by the hardships each partnership encounters – the focus remains here. While neo-traditional marriage vows suggest: ‘Until death do us part’; a perspective that encompasses an integrated and whole spiritual approach may state: ‘Until the death of our commitment to our growth and expansion do us part’.
This translates to our now newly defined monogamous relationships being a sacred space where we place our deepest insights of life, self and the other into a deeply connected and open practice for profound revealing and deep growth. This very conscious choice allows our hearts to feel fully, to be present and to gain completely from each relational dynamic we choose to immerse ourselves in to.
Healing past trauma, pain and hurt because we are present to the moment, irrespective of the emotion felt. The present moment becomes a priority as we continue to cultivate the courage to move through limiting fears. Our hearts blossom by how unconditionally we embrace our own hearts and the heart of our beloved, until the primordial ocean of cosmic ‘time’ takes us elsewhere.
Monogamy As A Form Of Growth
The notion that dedicated monogamy (ultimately a dedication to one’s own self growth) strips away one’s innate sense of freedom is a belief created by a fear of commitment, whilst not being able to observe the freedom in being connected intimately to another. The ego adores exploring options, it has little to no capacity to stand behind a decision as it is in constant flux with respect to its attention.
This is because we are so polarised by our conditioning, where we are unconsciously driven to pursue experiences that are only joyous, happy, blissful, easy, comfortable, etc. and where the opposing experiences are not valued in any capacity.
Once we have initially chosen our partners, the ego must now shift out of the fantasy of what that relationship may offer and into the reality of relationship building – this entails deep and confronting effort. The ego recognises that growth is imminent. Consideration of the other and compromise go against the self-absorbed patterning and nature of the ego.
The spiritual significance of monogamy is symbolic of unified connection and oneness with the Divine (our true nature of wholeness). While the ego simultaneously yearns to be liberated from pain by Source and remain there because of uts familiarity during moments of need and despair, it is incapable of remaining in the light of truth and revealing long enough to live out a unified destiny under the cosmic laws of Universal Will.
Ego, of course is part of our ‘perfectly imperfect’ reality. It does not exist in a meaningless fashion, it provides us with an opportunity for tremendous growth and of course protects us during times of peak pain in order to continue to survive so that one day we may thrive.
Ego is an intricate part of the divine and in this space there are times when it attempts to align with Source similar to race car pulling into a pit stop. Once repaired however, it forgets it is impermanent and feels invincible once again – ‘running smoothly’ until it breaks down further and requires more help (deepened connection).
This is likened to intimate relationships, where ego seeks the loving support and guidance of another during its most vulnerable moments of growth and expansion, but then quickly forgets when it is no longer in that space.
The ego negates the heart that offered such deep support and presence in favour of seeking a new and exciting experience to once again distract and indulge itself with. When we choose to turn inward during moments of deep heartfelt surrender in order to allow our personal will and resolve to serve the greater will of unified consciousness, in monogamy, we also connect deeply in sacred union in order to allow our whole individual wills to nurture and support the mutual flowering of intimate partnership, which ultimately contributes to the greater evolution of humanity.
We Are Whole Beings
When we enter relationship we must choose to enter relationship as two whole recognised beings. This ensures our own individuality, whilst being connected to source in such a way that we are mindful of the manner in which we choose to be with each other and with the relationship. We are unique contributors to the evolution of self, our bond to each other and our expansive state of awareness. We are here to serve ‘we’ as opposed to ‘me’. We transcend that hyper-selfish state of being and move in to a more connected, genuine and endearing space of unity consciousness.
The reality is that there are times when relationships are no longer in synergy. Perhaps a partner or both partners have outgrown each other in varied capacities. Perhaps your values are no longer in alignment, perhaps your karma or dharma has been completed or perhaps your feeling of finality is because the ego is seeking to preserve its function by seeking new experiences. In order to gain clarity on your circumstances knowing self in an ever-evolving fullness becomes imperative and we may know self deeper through the intimate bonding that transpires in sacred and committed union.
When we are able to observe sacred partnership as a path towards higher enlightenment and liberation where we may become fully invested in our life’s journey, as the ever-evolving perfection of divinity presenting in human transcendent form, we are able to openly commit to the heart of our beloved without possession, without constriction, restriction, fear and doubt; and without feeling as if we are compromising or sacrificing our innate freedom.
We miss the joy of experiencing true intimacy when we are constantly chasing self-absorbed and new momentary experiences that only serve to create a sense of self-gratification without legitimate substance. Beyond the fear of boredom in a relationship, there exists a depth of ecstasy, awe and rapture, where every moment shared can be felt as outrageous love-making between two open and vulnerable hearts. This may only occur when we are connected intimately and committed to the growth of our own path, whilst simultaneously encouraging the growth of our beloved. Only the soul may reside in this space.
The Expansive Nature Of Challenge
No matter how turbulent, challenging and difficult any relationship may be, we have drawn in these experiences in order to heal, to recognise, to grow and to assist integrate our deepest spiritual wisdom into expressions of practical wisdom. These experiences are sculpting us, evolving us and preparing us for the next stages of our intimate, relational and spiritual growth. Our experiences refine us – our intimate relationships prepare us for the next stage of our development.
Whether we are currently celebrating sacred partnership with our long-awaited beloved, are being refined for such a relationship, or anticipating their arrival, may we choose to consciously embrace the importance of monogamy as a way of aligning with the light of source energy. The more willing we are to be fully present in monogamous relationship holding our own deepest truth as a means for authentic expression, the more greater love may we embody in our hearts to bring allow the light of our greatest power to shine for all to behold.
In sacred union (check this article out for one way to embody sacredness in union with a beloved), we embody and embrace the heart of another as our own – we become unified in our expression and connected deeply in our posturing. We continue to cherish and esteem our own needs, so to become a greater receiver of worthiness and adoration. Whether discovering renewed commitment in our current relationship, opening space for our authentic and evolved beloved to enter, or simply allowing the nurturing of our own hearts to be a greater focal point, the importance of monogamy is the grace through which the ego is resolved. It is the awakening of unity consciousness and it is the beginning of a new expressive phase of spiritual / cosmic whole intelligence.
One is always glad to be of service.
Relational Alchemist, Speaker & Author
Relational Alchemist, Speaker & Author