The Deal With “Feminine” Men

A hyper-feminized man has often received projection from a parent enmeshing with them and “needing” unconscious intimacy from their children, as they are not receiving it from their partners. This has caused the man to shut down his masculine essence and presence, whilst appeasing and prioritizing others and entertaining the unhealthy aspects of his feminine due to the codependent nature of his relationship with one or both of his parents. 

As parents, we relate to our children as the feminine essence/expression when we rely on them for a sense of wellness, spontaneous touch, emotional dependency, and yearn for them to create richness and non-sexual intimacy in our lives.

Similarly, we can relate to our children as the masculine substitute directional force in our lives when we over-rely on them for advice, structure, and stability. No child should wear this burden. Parental dynamics must be hierarchical not conducted in an inverse manner.

Think of the child that has grown up too fast trying to ensure his parents have looked after him. Or the man that prioritizes and chooses his mother over his partner. She takes priority and you as the partner takes the back seat.

His mother asks a favor, she needs help. It’s your date night, he chooses his mother. His mother is arguing with his father, the boy-man/man-boy rushes to his mother’s aid, leaving you with the day you both had planned.

It’s not that he doesn’t love you or care for you. However, he has a core wound around intimacy, being seen, and being validated. If his mother is not attended to (as that is all he has known), then he is not validated. His sense of self diminished and his world collapses.

He wants to but hasn’t created his own sense of sovereignty as yet. He masks that with a false sense of wealth, achievements, how he is portrayed, and status. Ultimately all an unconscious attempt to impress his parents (his true first and unresolved love) He wants to be with you, but there is something holding him back.

This man is wounded and confused. He may appear all shiny at the beginning and “ticks the boxes”, but dig deeper and he is laden with insecurities and fear. He will run from you, as you are a lighthouse illuminating every aspect of his character and shadows.

You are not perfect either, but it’s not about that. None of us are perfect and all of us are wanting one thing. Connection. How we go about it either comes from a healthy place of self-worth and spaciousness within our hearts, souls, and psyche or from a conditioned place of patterned survival.

We learned from a very young age “this is how we are validated” and this is what works. This man does love you and wants to break free, but his Mama’s boy’s attachment is too strong until he breaks those chains and becomes his own man. This means feeling his feelings fully, not suppressing them, or denying his hearing for independence, and masking it with external achievement.

What is your experience with this kind of man?

One is glad to be of service.

Photo: https://unsplash.com/@chris_legs

STEFANOS SIFANDOS

Relational Alchemist, Speaker & Author