Stef Sifandos
Relational Alchemist, Community Builder & Changemaker

Our Unspoken Hurt – The Promise Of Wordless Understanding

In the womb, our every need was organically met. We didn’t need to guess, beg or ask what was needed, we were simply there, present, open willing to receive.

As young children some of us experienced a blissful series of nurturing events where we were beautifully met where we were at… Our needs satisfied, not needing to verbalise but being soothed almost immediately, that feeling of safety so ever present – some of us, not so blessed…

The irrational promise of wordless understanding assumes too much of the human person. Placing a massive burden on those who love is but are also moving through their own pain, suffering and disconnect.

How are they as adults able to serve our needs and fears when they themselves are caught in a perpetual cycle of unspoken, undreamed hurt and suffering…?

We observe the world, the actions of others, our own and we at times feel immense threat, hurt and pain – but where does this anger, frustration and sadness arise from?

We feel the feelings with no ‘intellectual’ reference point, we feel ourselves and the discomfort with no meaning. And we lash out – towards ourselves and others. Many varied scenes may challenge us and we project swiftly, rapidly and with grave intensity, protecting our ego, our emotional being and our fragile inner child…

We treat each other unconsciously for the most part, not knowing why we behave the way we do. We look at ourselves stunned, not understanding how the ‘other’ could treat us this way…

Not knowing that the other is a projection and mirror of the unseen fractured parts of ourselves – a gift… Then apologising for feeling ‘bad’, hurting another with our volatile actions, behaviour and expression but not truly knowing why?

Our actions left unresolved, unexplored as we only wish to be soothed, comforted and of course loved once again. We act in kindness, soften ourselves and forget what triggered us initially.

This pain laying dormant to rear itself once again in times of pressure or when we are stimulated harshly and pushed to our implicit memories and emotional edges.

We expect others to guess what we are feeling, when we rarely know ourselves. We expect implicitly for others to give us what we need to soothe our internal fragmentation and feeling of separateness when we know not what hurts us.

Parts of us (our inner child) want others to treat us as infants with care, and grace, love and affection. To soothe our confusion. But we forget that others are also traversing the unknown and come with their own sets of needs…

We want others to soothe us when we are unwilling or unable to explore our own pains – we search for it aimlessly… Then we realise living the same patterns are actually no longer necessary. We can be free of these limitations in expression and hinderance in being…

What if we transcended this pain and suffering through MUTUAL and diligent exploration of the self, our relationships and our unseen selves? What if we were patient, paused and breathed? What if we were able to peek beyond the veil of the superficial, the prima-facie and the obvious in to the layers of self that make us who we are?

What if we’re able to be empathetic, compassionate, kind and open in our hearts, minds and postures for ourselves and others? We can be. It begins with an awareness, then a recognition of the importance of this, then intention, then practice.

What a privilege to give this gift to another and in-turn liberate ourselves. Can we learn to forgive the impatient, sad, confused, infuriated, inarticulate child within? Yes, we can for ourselves and others and in turn transmuting the unspoken hurt, give it texture, context, shape, richness and substance. Are we ready to shift…?

One is always glad to be of service. S.Sifandos.


Stef Sifandos
Relational Alchemist, Community Builder & Changemaker
Stef Sifandos
Relational Alchemist, Community Builder & Changemaker

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Perhaps there is nothing more beautifully profound and magical then knowing with all that you are that you are safe for those who are in your lives, particularly your beloved. That you will hold them through the chaos, the internal raging sea of volatility that we all experience as we grow, change and transmute ourselves at various points in our lives.

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