Intelligence Around Sexuality – Conscious Sexuality

The Fallacy

The masculine holding strong, being present, portraying emptiness, death and purpose, having a steady gaze, maintaining attention and being ‘deep’ and the feminine being a wild emotional storm is at times a distortion of these polarities. There is more to this than simply expressing these postures. There must be a genuine embodiment of these polarities.

Why? Because this requires time to cultivate, experience, exposure, connection to self and to others. This is how intelligence is cultivated in the area of conscious sexual expression.

Posturing alone will not allow us to be conscious men or women. Any expressive state is formed with deep-seated experience and exposure. Artificial states of being are being justified by certain fast tracked practices – for example: if we breathe a particular way or ‘run Kundalini’ we are strong masculine men. Yes, but no. Is there substance to this practice? Is there are legitimate feeling of presence and awareness connected to this practice?


Gaining Certainty

These practices alone are not indicative of being ‘masculine’ or ‘feminine’. Therefore what is real? Because holding the state and immersing in it temporarily are very different – ‘it is like butter, but not quite butter’

How then do we become ‘certain’ in these postures?

1. Connect to who you truly are, not what others want you to be. Be honest with yourself in that moment. Be intimate with who you are in that time and space. Then these posturing’s will occur more naturally over time and are not superimposed over the human aspect of self.

2. Face the shadow of self and do not pretend through practice.

3. Earned life experiences make us know who we are and allow us to be a deepened human beings.

4. Being honest with what is occurring within us in that moment of engaging in sacred practice. If it is not where we are told it should be, then own this – do not ‘look spiritual’ or try to do it right. This will relax us and bring greater clarity to our relationships.

5. Women are not navigation devices – per se. It is unfair to place this pressure on the feminine and it is unrealistic to expect to be guided if we are unconscious and not connected to self. The storm is not always the way for our purpose to be clear or our life to be guided. Because what we are stating here is that all emotion felt is truth and immediate and legitimate feedback in to our reality and this is not necessarily the case either. Therefore the masculine must be discerning in this space.

6. Reactive feelings are not necessarily accurately representing what is occurring in life. However, responsiveness is more accurate as it is not triggered unconsciously by our shadow self.

7. The masculine may be perturbed; being solid is not always going to occur when the feminine is being reactive with out examination. The masculine may not always be able to hold this no matter how empowered ‘he’ is.

8. The glorifying of at times unchecked abusive emotion is not healthy and does not allow the feminine to be accountable nor define what is happening within herself. The masculine must cultivate deep intelligence around this and both the feminine and masculine must learn to set appropriate boundaries.

9. Responsiveness, feeling honest and understanding within oneself first before it is vomited outwardly is appropriate prior to expressing towards others. Otherwise it becomes deeply abusive and unconscious.

10. Awareness of self here is key.


Wholeness & Polarity

Penetration and surrender / guiding and receiving – simply assuming these postures with no substance does not make us conscious nor hold intelligence around these expressions.

When we are looking for wholeness outside of ourselves we are disempowering others and ourselves. We are not allowing others to develop at depth. For example: As penetrating men we await the wild storm of Kali to guide us and as women we simply express reactively with an absolute expectation around being held. A cultivation of deeper awareness of self (one’s trauma, triggers, shadow etc.) is not felt

Depth and radiance is a relative term and is dependant on the two individuals involved and intertwining their energies.

What we are really looking at here as these examples is living through the wholeness of life. Experiencing it all – grief, loss, sadness, joy, problem solving, creativity, diversity, realisations and connection to heart through emotions – this is depth. Certain practices will not deepen us, but rather we will become practiced in these things. The fortitude, valour and life essence comes from attentive life experience – for both men and women.

A deep woman will be attractive to a man for certain. The depth of a woman will show up as radiance – having a joy of oneself, and the recognition that life moves through one’s body. This comes form life experience.

A superficial radiance = pretending with out substance. Moving a certain way but that is not connected to and fully understood. Shallow and hollow, as there is no connectivity to their body. There is no sensuality and connectedness within. It must be genuine. An authentic radiance of course is the antithesis of the above.


Transmuting The Poles

How do we then change the poles within self (mainly within a sexual context in order to minimise and negate shame around this) – how do we delve deeply in to this and why should we do this?

1. It is a myth to believe that there is only one way sexual polarity needs to look.

2. Role preference is there but exploration of varying flavours of expression is very possible within us as humans.

There is a distinction between Purpose & Surrender that lends itself to deeper relating and the roles we assume in this relating of self – these terms are used frequently, but what do they mean? These states are not limited to men and women only.

For example purpose needn’t stem from either the masculine or the feminine. It can simply arise through the body, the heart and one’s temperament. If we surrender to that deep purpose we are being authentic. Therefore there is an equal immersion in to surrendering to the deep purpose. And how we understand and connect to these states needn’t be defined by modern (or extreme) masculine / feminine dichotomies. Those with deep purpose require a profound surrendering to that purpose.


Immersion In To Truth

You can only f**k well, when you are being f*****d well. Even the penetrator must surrender to the occasion.

In sacred and connected, conscious sexuality both must surrender. One person holding purpose and the other surrendering does not always hold true. If we maintain wholeness within where both masculine and feminine exists within both males and females, why do we still use these engendered terms? Are there other terms or another way to express these truths without the perception of segregation? Perhaps using the terms ‘go and flow’ may work well? This may work to fill the gaps of ignorance.

In the midst of erotic friction – we merge and become whole. In the dissolution and pulling apart of these opposing forces of the masculine and feminine we become and enter in to cosmic union. Much of this has been distilled down in to masculine and feminine understandings of the beautiful play of two opposing forces tussling.

As long as we understand the many polarities such as: active / passive – light / dark – superficial / authenticity – penetrating / surrendering – dominance / submission we can make sense of self in relation to the world. As long as there is polarity we can order it in any way we wish. It is not limited to male and females.

The ability to articulate opposing forces is our objective. We needn’t limit ourselves to certain expressions being purely refined for either men or women. We may however play with gendered roles consciously.

In a cohesive sexual experience we become transported to a deeply expansive state and this is what it is all about.


One is always glad to be of service.


Relational Alchemist, Speaker & Author


Relational Alchemist, Speaker & Author



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