Healing Trauma Through Sacred Sexual Union

In nurturing lovemaking, sex has the capacity to heal old trauma and wounds. As you witness each other in non-judging and vulnerable ways, the old may resurface to be released viscerally in a safe and supportive way.

Let the tears flow, the grief arise and the density is seen… What is significant and what matters is the release itself – not needing to initially understand the origin of the pain.

That reconciliation comes after a reclamation of self that comes through that often guttural and at times subtle release.

Then we can rewrite those stories that have shaped so much of our adult discomfort, relationships, choices, and pain.

One of the ways we face our layers of pain is by being present to them in the face of another.

A lover, a close friend, an all-trusted peer or guide. To be witnessed in our vulnerability in a safe, compassionate, and loving way while we release fully is deeply revealing and healing.

In lovemaking, in our rawness and openness, if we give ourselves to the feelings that are naturally arising to be released because we feel safe becomes an opportunity to grow.

To be seen lovingly by your beloved as you shed the heaviness – naked, raw and all surrendered can rewrite the old stories of shame and pain, while healing your belief that you cannot be loved for who you are, as you are in your times of vulnerability, fear, and pain.

Lovemaking heals the individual that in turn heals the planet, but it must be with the “right person”. That person that has been there to those dark places and is willing to go there with you.

In sex, the yearning to create intense heat in another’s body first before generating a sustained ember in your own is a mistake that stems from unresolved wounding and perpetual fear. The excessive pleasing stems from a need to feel valued and enough. As a child, you weren’t seen and learned to get validated by “doing” for others. As you’ve evolved per se, so has the intensity of this pattern. Adapting to your continued unresolved feelings of not “enoughness”. Hence, needing more people-pleasing to feel whole.

Yes, there is great immediate pleasure in witnessing your partner in the erotic expression AND, we must check where it all stems from.

We are told and shown through our often limited sex education that satisfying another is paramount and while service to another’s experience is of deep value the “come from” here matters. We focus on generating heat and excessive excitement in the other without grounding our own fire first.

Now we have a rapid-fire moving through that is so intense and it must be put out. It’s not sustainable. Now, the focus is on the finish, completion in the biggest and best way… organism, ejaculation, and then separation…

The pleasing piece is interesting. In my own life, I have wanted to please in order to be validated and I outsourced my self-worth by how much I could do for others. And peak experiences such as orgasms are so appealing and attractive.

If I could make others cum and be in peak physical (not ecstatic) enjoyment I was winning! I was worthy! I was enough! “Look what I could do to others! Yay to me!” I felt full, empowered, and big… well at least my ego did.

Don’t be so quick to create that fire in another. Move with each other, stop, slow down, and pay attention to what your bodies are feeling. Make it less about penetrative outcomes and more about the slowness of exploration. Grounding first your own intention and connection to your body.

Purely orgasmic orientated sex keeps us in a vicious and addictive cycle of emptiness and incompleteness that requires “refilling”. Keeping us stuck in perpetual desire and release. Everything we now do drives us to maintain these unsustainable peak experiences, further distracting us from true deeper Union.

This obsessive desire to explosively ejaculate and orgasm becomes our crux. It becomes so addictive and we base so much on who we are and our value in this event, that like a drug we crave and need more of it to function. We then become monotone in our sexual expression. Experiencing only superficial connection masked as depth.

We equate the short-lasting peak experience to the be-all and end all of the human potentials. We are sadly mistaken. There is nothing wrong with orgasm. We have just been conditioned to believe that this is all there is. The truth is that there is more to us.

Exploration of the self and the other allows us to know ourselves at a greater capacity. We avoid this because part of that knowledge is not flavored sweetly. It is confronting. It is heavy and painful. We fear it and therefore fear ourselves and therefore distract ourselves with convenient peak experiences.

Take the time to relax the nervous system, the mind, and the heart. Slow the exploration of the other and yourself down. Be in the moment and do not attach your sexual exploration to an “outcome” that must be complete in its revolution.

For me, when I have slowed down and gazed deeply into the beloved that knows and sees me I have simultaneously come face to face with bliss and pain. The pain of being seen has been foreign to me and has revealed layers of pain from the past.

Layers to be witnessed and released. But breaking through that initial layer of the fear of intimacy has been difficult. Why, because intimacy has been dangerous for me in the past and I spent most of my life in superficial sexual interaction attempting to make the pain and avoid the truth of release.

We don’t like change as humans… And would rather remain in the pain of the unknown than enter the fear of the unknown…

What are you willing to face within yourself? This may appear selfish but in fact, it’s thoughtful as you’re setting yourself up to be truly present and honest with your needs and expression. We of course cannot speak to this fire without polarity and harnessing this power. But that is a story for another time…

One is glad to be of service

STEFANOS SIFANDOS
Relational Alchemist, Speaker & Author

STEFANOS SIFANDOS

Relational Alchemist, Speaker & Author

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